Open your mind!

what do i know

2011-10-31T22:13:00.000+08:00

lets just say that everyone of us goes through a similar education system.

Just within 2 decades or so, friends around me starts to have differing views. Politics, Religion, morality, the differences are extreme.

Opinions are something really interesting. Its like if you have a strong opinion of something, like for example, the existence of God, you'd feel that its so certain, its just undeniable. There's no room for argument, no room in your mind that it just wouldn't be.

Sometimes i take a look at myself, and I simply have no room for the flip side of certain things. But when i take a third person view of myself, or at things, i can understand why people become so insistent of their own views - that i start to accept everything - and i don't know where i stand.

Where do my opinions come from? I wouldn't say education. I feel its more of our personal life experience. People have different life experiences. And because of that, everyone is likely to believe in different things.

What I see and hear, and feel, now, changes who i am in the future.

And can we really control what we experience? Sometimes no, sometimes yes. But i'd like to think that as a whole, external events are somewhat random, unless I am a powerful or influential figure.

If our experiences are random, wouldn't our opinions be somewhat random as well?

If the same me was born in a different month, or a different year, or at a different place, and I still who i am? will i have the same beliefs? probably not, i feel like.

because of that, many times i keep asking myself, what do i really know? what is right and wrong? how? sometimes i question myself so much, i begin wondering if i could even confidently say if something, in the slightest shades of grey, could be either or.

bright moments

2011-07-20T01:47:00.000+08:00

one hour ago, i was in the lift imagining i was dead. perhaps it could be liberating: the feeling of having all your worries laid to rest, the daily toil, the pursuit of the medium of exchanges, meeting expectations by yourself and from others, and then, it could be that easy; the experience of nothing.

as i exit the lift, i reminded myself that living is simply about being happy.

i just did my first reservice a week ago. it was nothing short of perfection. i exceeded myself. i did what i was there to do. i fought the good fight. i talked to my men. i encouraged them to excel in life, and at work. i discussed religion with my friends. i lent a listening ear to a friend who broke up from a one week relationship and couldn't get over it for a year. i felt invincible carrying lots of shit and walking and climbing. i replied strongly agree to the survey question of whether i was ready for war.

my friends outside the army laugh at me for taking my army training so seriously, but i just wanna be that guy who believes that he has a role to play in this vulnerable nation. and i feel good in the uniform. sometimes i feel that i should have signed on. when i was a decade old i dreamed of being a solider.

i want to the better man. i feel like getting better everyday. everyday i start from zero; i humble myself and start learning. but i have so many weaknesses. there are so many things i know that i have problems dealing with. and its all up there in my head.

Sin.

my friend said i needed God's grace.

if You really exist, then thank You for my friends. at least most of my Christian friends belong to those who are more sane, intelligent and logical; less of those nonsense people.

im still believing in myself. i don't see why God should help me. I should be content with my own life, being physically well and having no worry for food or shelter. my friend feels that Christianity isn't really a religion. he says a relationship with God. i feel that if i were to build this relationship in such times of (self-perceived) need, what different then would that make me from a person who befriends a rich and lonely man for free food and drink?

religion is really interesting. sometimes i feel that its almost imperative that religion would make a person give up his pursuit of everything he thought he was living for.

i discussed with my friend, if 2 million Singaporeans spent 2 hours on their religious pursuits per week, that's 4 million man hours. or 16 million man hours per month. and i must really wonder

how many good deeds, how much charity, how many lives could be saved, with

16,000,000 hours?

now that i think about it, if these hours were spent working, an average pay of 7 per hour would bring in more than a 100 million dollars per month.

i put forth the hypothesis that many religious people could be selfish, self-interested people, and they themselves are soaked in sin, for those who are godless and go around helping the less-privileged ones are the ones who are more enlightened; and only them deserve the reward of going to heaven, for they started out asking nothing in return, while the religious ones search for inner-peace, questing for perfection in self, and furthering their understanding in their respective religious manuals, are only interested in themselves.

of course the hypothesis was flawed; because people do get better from being religious, and religious organizations, they do good deeds. but nothing's so black and white. not everyone would do good to others. even me. and i believe that im not even trying my best, even though nowadays i barely have alone time to entertain myself.

nowadays i constantly ask myself about perfection. what constitutes perfection? what would be the perfect man? i'd imagine my friend telling me that nobody's perfect. and that's why Jesus sacrificed himself to... ...our sins. yeah. i don't know the exact words.

that's not a damn good answer isn't it. but it is absurd..? to think of a perfect person...a template? and then everyone agrees, a law is passed, and everyone just conforms to that template? that's absolute madness.

then i started wondering, what if the world is already...perfect as it is? or is it perfectly lacking in perfection; the other extreme, because it is in such flux and chaos?

recently i wondered if the perfect Human race...is to be perfectly selfish. i like to think on the extreme ends, so pardon me if this sounds crazy to you.

lets not forget how you and i have come into existence. it had been the survival of the fittest for probably thousands of years. your existence hinges on the fact that your ancestors either outsmarted his counterparts, or somehow outlived them, surviving mother nature's selection process when those who failed Her test had died from disease when there were no doctors, or from hunger, or from the heat or cold.

what if - what if our brain structure enabled us to be more selfish than what we are now, to the extent that our brains do not have the capacity to care for others aside from our immediate family members, exist in our brains - and our race, our genes, managed to persist till this day.

for starters, maybe i wouldn't have existed.

but those that do, wouldn't they be much, much stronger, and intelligent? for they are the ones who are self-sufficient - they don't seek help, they don't need it: they work for their own survival. they can handle their own problems, because it is in their genes, for only these have managed to survive. in this world, there are no charity organisations, there are no homes and orphanages. those who have to depend on others, die. those who can depend on themselves, live. perfection. and madness.

now back to our world. maybe this is the true perfection. a mix of selfish and un-selfishness. some compassion. some love.

i highly doubt that a planet inhabited by a race that is perfectly un-selfish would be perfect. humans see little motivation to work hard, seeing that his counterparts wouldn't leave him to die despite his laziness. lazy genes survive. technological progress would stall.

maybe perfection is just a matter of perception.

tomorrow i wake up again, trying to be a better man.

dark moments

2011-04-27T03:06:00.000+08:00

im in a really tough spot right now.

i can't sleep, im in the midst of my exams this week, and i did really badly for the first exam this afternoon. my mind just blanked out during the exam, i panicked, and my mind kept wandering around, i lost focus, i lost it. i totally lost it.

i feel stressed, and i feel as though i've never felt like this or admitted myself to be like that before. i used to be able to deal with things just like that. but today...it feels really dark for me right now. I feel like as though i've expected too much from myself... and i crumbled when i didn't meet my own expectations. im so proud of myself sometimes. i feel as though i've overestimated myself.

the recent events that leads up to the GE are also making me feel quite distraught. i try to steer away from talking politics with my friends because it can lead to heated arguments that are subjective, biased, and its just pointless to dent a solid friendship just to make a point.

i feel disappointed. i don't understand why most of my friends are making fun of potential MPs, laughing at candidates, insulting them, posting smalltalk about people, and sharing notes or videos that are biased and subjective without facts to back them up. its childish. i always thought i had friends better than that.

i don't even know why should i be feeling sad about this. but i just do. i always thought we were rational. we would be sitting down, reading the manifestos of every single party, questioning their policies, things like the efficiency vs credibility and diversity of having a two-party parliament, the social costs and economical benefits of foreign labour, and the economic effects minimum wage. but no. nobody's really concerned with that. i really can't believe it. everyone's a skeptic.

even - and even if we don't care about the feasibility of the policies, at least steer away from the smalltalk. we are better than that.

Hard Truths

2011-04-01T03:50:00.000+08:00

as much as i try to be skeptical towards the book, the words seem to creep out of the book and pull me in, putting me in first person as if i was lectured and questioned of my character and integrity, my beliefs, my views.

and the deeper i sink in, the more I get disappointed with myself, despite always believing that i'd loved my country, and really, that i probably didn't really know my country well.

other than the 22mths i gave away to the country, the rest of my life was probably spent just for myself, my self interests, and nothing else.

i feel powerless in affecting the environment around me, and the people around me.

in an era where knowledge is relatively expensive and ignorance runs wild like a raging bull and an infectious strain, where do i stand?

i feel so humbled

at least i know that i don't know

i feel so small

hesistant

2011-03-17T03:08:00.000+08:00

if hesitating was a crime, here i'd be pleading guilty.

over the years, i had made it a habit to always try my best to look at both sides of a coin before passing a comment or judgement, or whatever it is that takes sides in a conversation or debate, verbal or written.

lets take a look at how hesitating is costing me lots of worries:

1. i haven't donated money to japan, nor supported any donation cause in whatever form

i feel guilty about that, but there's a rational side of me telling me that Japan, currently ranked 3rd in the entire world for its yearly GDP, is wealthy enough to deal with its crisis, while there are still other countries who constantly need aid.

2. i've been keeping quiet a lot at project discussions

i really feel bad for not participating, and when i do i'd always end up correcting someone else and not offering anything constructive in return. it gets especially bad when there are disagreements about subjective issues, and seeing how conflicting group members all make sense in their own way, i can only resolve to keeping mum. others see a side of me keeping quiet, but inside me the neurons never stopped firing.

3. i have a ton of drafts that i've wasted my time on

several times, before hitting the publish post button, i'd start to re-read and question myself, and i realise that what im trying to say isn't entirely true. then i'd stop, or delete it altogether, effectively wasting my time that i meant to spend archiving my thoughts and perspectives.

4. no positive externalities (3rd parties are not benefiting)

if i don't say it, people can't hear it. i suspect that if i had the courage to just say some things straight up, those things would've sent other neurons firing, inspiring new thoughts that would never have been...thought of.

5. impaired speech

if im not sure about something which i hadn't give much thought about, i'd have to process my thoughts real-time while trying to speak because i always evaluate both sides or whatever number of sides there is, resulting in really bad conversations that contain short pauses every 2 seconds.

6. bruised confidence

if i don't express my subjective views, i don't know if they're really good/bad or right/wrong, which hurts my confidence level on subjective issues.

now that i've confessed to hesitating too much, its time to get it fixed.

appreciative

2011-03-05T03:56:00.000+08:00

i've been living it up these days, and really i owe it to my parents, or at least my father, who never really questions me when all he sees me is a side of me that plays computer games all day and night, although i do spend part of my time on some other things that would hopefully one day make me a richer(monetary terms) and happier(material terms) person.

i kind of guess that its probably a female thing to nag, and if i could i would explain to my grandma that actually i've been dealing with the...'how much should i be studying problem' every single day, in my mind.

by now i am certain that if everyone were like me, we'd be doomed. because our world needs people who are immensely hardworking, never stops to think about all the nonsense stuff, and just power forward, in every field and expertise.

and...i really appreciate the fact that my dad really gives me total independence. you know what's the greatest fear for a lazy and nonsense person like me? its for a day to come, when i wake up, i look back, and i regret not studying hard enough, not landing myself a decent job, and i press my hands to my face and whisper to myself to accept my fate for what it is, for i have chosen, back then, to snap up every single bit of gratification that was available and leave the books asleep on the table.

but that all could be easy to deal with, if by then, i have matured enough to not be envious of the material comforts that wealth brought to the rich, and be grateful for all that i have.

even then, i would still need the intrinsically useless pieces of paper that people have misunderstood for the definition of happiness, unless money becomes edible one day, for i have parents to take care of, which really, makes me feel so guilty when i don't study, and there's really a war going on in my mind.

maybe it would have been better, at least for my parents, if i had been a simpler person, convinced that being rich is the way to go, and just be a library dweller burying my head in notes and books.

im not a good person.

this world sucks

2011-02-23T04:53:00.000+08:00

maybe its really just my fault that my expectations of an average human being(myself included) has rose tremendously over the years that more and more people just seem to be so damn fucking bad, whether intentional or not.

self-interest? really? money? really? is that how everyone is going to live their lives nowadays? its not like 5 centuries ago were most people still have to worry about their basic necessities and so probably have to be self-centered to survive.

ok. i probably had a bad day.

Happiness?......???

2011-02-16T00:49:00.001+08:00

recently, i've found myself having extreme difficulties focusing. its almost like i have some sort of attention deficit disorder. maybe it's because i have not subjected myself to the right amount of stress i should be facing as a student. come to think of it, i've never really treated my life as a university student very seriously.

last night, i forced myself to stay in the library to study for a module that I have no idea what is going on. just minutes into looking at the textbook, (do note, the word here is looking at, rather than reading) my mind started wandering away...slowly, systematically, and i fell asleep. i do remember exactly what i had thought about before i went to la-la land.

for slightly less than 2hrs.

book...what am i here for?...why am i...reading this?...what happens if i understand every single word in this book...so what if i can...replicate everything that is written here...get A+ in the exam...its just one module...but i could have a decent honours...better career perhaps...maybe get a higher pay...happiness...will i be happier?...

when i woke up, guilt overwhelmed me and i started looking at the book again, trying to understand what's going on, but even then i'd admit that i was very inefficient, because i need the sense of urgency to get myself going, and that kind of urgency only arrives days before a major test starts.

recently i have not been thinking about Life and Death anymore. for some reason, a book titled The Lost Symbol satisfied my curiosity, even though its fiction. at least for now. instead, i've been thinking about Happiness. problem is, thinking about Happiness doesn't make me happy. it makes me think of...thinking.

why isn't there...Happinomics? Happilogy? and its not a rhetorical question. im asking, really, why isn't there such a study? isn't it the most important subject...?

the answer from the man on the street is probably: dude, everyone obviously knows how to be happy. nobody has to teach that.

but...don't everyone knows how to spend their money either? so why is there...economics? i always insist to other people, and my counterparts agree, that economics is just common sense made complicated.

in fact, Happinomics would probably be the most complicated subject ever. at a first glance, its probably impossible to come up with a model to explain everyone's happiness levels.

the more i think about happiness, i more i think that i don't know about it. i feel that it is elusive...and mystical. or magical. that's why i asked why it isn't offered as a major in universities. maybe its covered in sociology/psychology? i don't know.

elusive? think about it. while you could obviously decide what makes you happy and go and do it now, would it still make you happy if you were to keep doing it? it seems like happiness exhibit what is called diminishing marginal returns in economics.

for me, playing computer games makes me really happy. but i can't do it all day(fortunately!). if you keep searching for happiness at the same thing, it gradually...leaves...for a while...until you go do something else...and come back the next day searching for it.

the same probably applies to...eating a favorite food...travelling...listening to music...WOW! i suddenly had a divine inspiration! before i share that with you, let me finish what i had in my mind.

during one of the lectures weeks back, my mind had left the lecture theatre to think about whether a person's total lifetime happiness is...fixed. strange thought, but it all began like that:

if i study hard now, i am probably delaying my present happiness for future happiness. if i don't, i am taking happiness from my future and spending it now. So whatever i choose, my total lifetime happiness is fixed.

i even considered the case of striking toto. if i struck toto tomorrow, like 4 million dollars, what happens? may i boldly suggest that it could be a case of taking happiness from my future and spending it now as well. of course i'd probably never convince you, but i have convinced myself. here's why.

immediately after being 4 million dollars richer, there are a few rational options i could choose. i could

a) spend it gradually
b) fixed deposit
c) invest
d) a & b / a & c, all 3

if i choose to (a), then my expectations would soar because of my purchasing ability. i would be instantly happy at a new house, a new car, new furniture, dining options, new branded guitar,(OH YEH)...but after a while the hype dies down.

i used to live in a 3 room flat in bendemeer, and i was thrilled to move into a much bigger house in sengkang, and have my own room, when i was 12 years old. in fact, its almost exactly a decade ago. but now, i don't experience that happiness when i step into this house. happiness had eluded me...because expectations have caught up.

i could imagine myself having sashimi and fresh oysters every other day...but as time goes by...i might have robbed myself of the happiness that i would get from eating all the good stuff if i had been poorer. my mother used to describe how happy she was to get a chicken drumstick for her birthday in those days.

although i could only live this life and experience this life, i heavily suspect that happiness isn't a certain level of luxury or...satisfaction. its a change in that level. because after you have stayed on a certain level...expectations catch up, and happiness leaves...until there is a change.

but yes, you tell me im crazy, because a multi billionare's son is definitely better than a impoverished kid living in hunger all day! yes, you're right... but im trying to say that although people have fixed total life happiness, different people have different amounts of it. however, i am compelled to think of this:

if that impoverished kid had some good food, clothes, he would be instantly happy. and then a home...then TV/entertainment...then a bigger home...then an even bigger home...at every change he would be much happier. but the same gifts to the rich man's son...he would feel...indifferent. it's like he can't be made happier...until he lowers his expectations. until he looks at the rest of the world...and realises how fortunately he is. i don't know. i am not a rich man's son, so i cannot tell...but you know what i mean.

so back to option (b) and (c), the same applies. they are like putting off current consumption for future consumption, although the interests do get eroded by year-on-year inflation, . investment could be tricky, so lets just say that there are risks involved which makes measuring happiness complicated.

the 'divine inspiration' that i mentioned before was suddenly having an image thrust onto me: an image of several people picking up money on the floor, and the amount of money is pretty much infinite. the first thought was, hey, when is it that someone would come to realisation, stand up, and leave the area? of course the answer would be somewhere in between "right away" and "forever", but...when? is money really the answer to happiness? it does seem, right now, but...what happens in the future?

the future...everyone cares a lot about the future. in fact, i believe that most people are constantly worried about the future...planning ahead, investing, saving...its rational, but...what if?...?!?. and when is it that we decide to stop? would we look back and regret? or not? im too young and ignorant to know.

i have written incoherently. but you probably get what im trying to say.

another cold night

2011-01-26T02:26:00.002+08:00

hey!

oh well, i remember mentioning before that everytime i do come to my blog, the previous entry would always seem like some random nonsense, and yeah that fact still stands.

i guess its because im tired and i think in jumps and beats and - well, nothing ever links.

even right here, right now, i could stare into the screen and get lost in my thoughts.

well recently i've been trying to make a conscious effort to be...better. i haven't thought of something specific, but i just felt that im not a good person, and i could do more. most of it are actually internal struggles. like trying not to be too affected by...external...stuff.

i suck at putting thoughts into words.

it could be anything, from hearing/reading about stuff that ain't necessarily true and remaining rationally skeptical while trying to understand why would they do that, or it could be just questioning myself when im angry at my nus counterparts denying me an early bus ride home by using the standing space in buses inefficiently : "would I even care to ask the others to move in anyway?"

well it may sound silly but sometimes my anger button just pushes itself by the slightest trigger and i really got to keep it locked.

lets talk about something else.

well recently I've seen a Straits Times article about an interview with MM Lee. In it, there was a photo of his house, presumably his living room, and it looked really humble. im an ignorant chap tbh and i never knew that he had lived in a house like that. the first thought that went through my mine was:

"where had all the money gone?"

well that's really admirable. if i had the money, i would have gotten a lambo. for sure. but not if im a political figure because i would be in the papers and the internet the day after i bought one.

but... come on. COME ON. is it just me wondering why are there so many young ones out there who aren't fond of this man? maybe he had rights and wrongs along the way but he probably gave more than half of his lifetime to us. if i were him, thinking about the meaning of life every other day, i might have left office to pursue my own happiness, just like you and i, self-centered individuals whos own satisfactions and gratifications are at the top of our agenda.

or its because maybe i am not enlightened enough to understand the joy of serving others and making the lives of other strangers better. but i am not going to fault myself - because even the average singaporean out there can't do just that; they'd need constant gentle reminders to give up their seats, complain about everything, menace waiters at restaurants...

but at least, i hope - they are happy at the end of the day. just for themselves.

the world feels grim when im alone

2010-12-17T03:07:00.002+08:00

well im not sure if grim's the right adjective to use here but im sure feeling down and that was the first word that came to my mind.

im done with my exams, i felt that i didn't do so well but that's ok, because i neither have to live with the guilt of not studying enough nor suffer from prolonged recollections of regret when i make absolutely nerve wrecking careless mistakes. both of which happened in the previous two semesters.

and i don't suffer from the former not because i've been more hardworking, but because this sem's papers didn't seem to reward hardworking students. i kinda think that the profs took our hardworkingness for granted and decide to go out of the norm. which kind of benefits lazy students like me.

and...yes. its 3.30am now and im not up because im playing starcraft 2 or doing anything productive. im really doing nothing. just wandering around in youtube. and somehow i found my way back here. i don't really like nights. its dark, its cold, its lonely. i can't mess around with my guitar or piano like i do in the daytime. in fact i've been doing too much music lately to fill my empty days that i really bruised my fingers and that makes things worse because i can't enjoy playing the guitar right now. it actually hurts quite a bit to type these.

well i never mentioned i was into these instruments before but its not really worth mentioning anyway, since im really just a casual player though i take piano lessons once a week. nothing really interesting going on other than self-entertainment through daily doses of mandarin pop songs.

so i stay up at night, i can't sleep, and i do nothing. really. or not. im still constantly thinking of death, dreams, consciousness. sanity. i actually made a breakthrough recently when i took control of my dreams - i remember vividly that in my dream i was beside a car with a few friends around me, and i suddenly claimed that 'i am dreaming, this can't be real' although i then went on to say that 'you all are dreaming too, remember i said that when you wake up', which was kind of weird because those people in my dream weren't dreaming: they were only the creation of my mind. in fact those people were my friends although i can't exactly remember who. but nevertheless it was a breakthrough.

i wanted to talk about it because usually in a dream when i realise that im dreaming, i would wake up or slowly gain consciouness in moments to come, but in that particular dream, i managed to prolong the dream despite me realising it was a dream. i seriously wonder if i can control my dreams one day. if that is possible, it would be miraculous. i could do my homework in my dream, for example.

and...yeah what was i saying. having this negative feeling at night. and thinking about death. i think of death almost all the time when im alone at night. it kind of scares me sometimes, and i can't help it - it feels as though the thought almost invades me. the thought of death that occupies me consists of a few 'items': thinking about a situation where i could potentially face death, thinking about the darkness that comes after death, or what actually comes after death, and the fear of death itself.

if its not death, my thought would drift towards consciousness, time travel, wormholes, fatalism.

In better days i would be thinking about the possibility of perfect competition of certain goods, like music for example, and the possibility of a generation of people dedicating all its resources to itself without investing in the future, like diverting the resources from R&D to mass producing vaccines, aid and relief to third world countries, consumption goods, whether luxury or necessities. and thinking about rational ignorance. well its mostly...fantasising about economics.

sometimes, its probably ok if im just talking to myself. because really, i don't think its a good idea for others to think that im more complicated that what i seem to be because of what i am thinking about. on one hand i don't want people to know that there's a part of me that lives in a very dark place sometimes, and on the other i don't want to bring others in to this dark place either because my thoughts can change my mood and its mostly been depressing. well if you read all these you probably are curious enough to find out more about me which is kinda cool but rest assured that im fine.

i paused for a while and i just got that feeling that i'll regret typing all these nonsense. im not going to delete it nevertheless. i think im becoming weird. this entry shall end.

I was destined for insanity

2010-11-30T02:30:00.002+08:00

my exams are over and just like i had feared, it was indeed a math paper. no kid. it was so math-heavy that even my friends commented that they had sat for the wrong paper for an econs major. i mean - usually i'd be the only one complaining about papers having too much math. if everyone else is also, then certainly something went wrong.

well so what do we have here! a free young man with nothing better to do and all the time in the world, infused with a great mood for blogging. this post will go on for hours. i just have this feeling. so lets begin this journey through my mind, if you would please.

don't carry on if you don't have the time by the way. i fear that what's going to appear below would seem nonsensical to you, and its going to take some time to go through all of it. sometimes i write a lot because i have a bad memory, and i enjoy reading my old posts, and having recollections of the past, understanding myself better. i don't know. i have many questions. if you have anything to enlighten me please go ahead. you can even tell me that i should see a doctor. just don't hit me.

--------------------------------------------------------------

well at the rate that im thinking about my existence, and harbouring thoughts that - instead of producing answers to - generate even more thoughts, coupled with my poor intellect really could have driven me insane, if there wasn't things that made me feel...real. i admit, i really feel that what im experiencing is unreal at times. i know its weird to hear such a thing from me, but i think i would be insane given any of these three conditions :

1)I am introverted, i shy away from real-life communications,

2)I go into solitude confinement for a month, or if i had no family and friends

3)everyone around me thinks about the things i do, and add complications to them without answering anything

both of which would make life so unreal that i would question my existence and the reality of my experiences, (sense of sight, touch etc.) every two seconds.

which makes me just wanna really thank my friends and loved ones for making life seem real for me. i really strongly believe that i could have been insane without all of the people around me. sometimes i think that i've lost control of my thoughts.

it all started when i enrolled in philosophy modules. im sure. i knew i was born to be curious. when i was like primary 3 maybe, i remember reading in a charlie chaplin's encyclopedia that fire needs oxygen, so i asked my teacher how does the sun burn in outer space when there's no oxygen there. looking back, i thought i was remarkable.

somehow as i grew, the curiosity died down, maybe because there has to be something to be curious about to be curious about something. does that make sense to you? well philosophy modules (i took two, not planning to take anymore) provided a lot of 'somethings' to be curious about.

the thing about those modules is that questions are mostly left unanswered. and that made many many many bus rides become thinking sessions, mostly about just one thing - a word, or a concept. and those thoughts were mediocre. if my thought processes were an animal, it would be a turtle.

during those times i shared some thoughts with my friends in NUS, but i don't remember gaining any enlightenment in particular. i once went to ask my prof (who took both the philo mods that i read) whether there is intentionality in dreams. partially because i dream a lot, and there was a lot of discussion on dreams, consciousness, and reality. i can make like four dreams in one night and remember what i did in them.

maybe there is, don't you think? that certain things we do in dreams have some kind of intentionality in them - but my prof paused for 3 seconds and answered 'no'. when he said it, i knew it was right because a 'yes' would mean that we could control our dreams and that we are considered to be conscious while in them. actually i was hoping he said 'yes'. at that time i remember i was really struggling over whether i could actually control my dreams, and believe it or not, i did try. but i couldn't tell if i could. see - i told you i could potentially be insane.

sometimes i don't know...what i could have been. i mean, i am a student in NUS. sometimes i feel proud of it, but a lot of times i think of what have i really done to deserve this. nothing.

i really didn't think i'd have made it in here. throughout my secondary and jc life, i didn't imagine i'd be in NUS. i didn't think about what i'd do in the future, and i was lazy, i played computer games till 2am and woke up for school at 6am. i could have been a delivery man. or a store assistant. i don't look down on these jobs, but if i were to be doing those, i'd definitely be a stuck up guy looking down on myself and if i were to question my own existence in those situations, i could be insane, because there's no value left in my life to make me feel like im living.

of course, things could be different if that really happened. i don't know. i think im really lucky. i really am. anything could have happened. i have seen so many men in NS who are smart guys but they never made it past O'lvls due to family problems. bad influences. given my shaky character when i was young, everything could have gone wrong for me. i was lucky to have entered a decent secondary school. and i did recall making a hasty decision that was far from rational because i was too lazy to go through the thick booklet of the list of secondary schools. believe it or not, it was zhonghua because it was on the last page that i flipped to, and it was not too far off from sengkang where my lazy ass resided in.

i don't know man. i just feel lucky that im here. as though it takes an extraordinary combination of events, as well as the absence of harsh events that could have changed things. and with all that said you can trust that i will still not be any more hardworking than i have been when tomorrow comes.

its like i have no control over my life. its like i've always been letting Fate decide the present and the near future for me. and through these years i always convince myself that i'll be happier that way if i don't force myself too much. even now, i don't know if that's true, although i am inclined to believe that it is, because i really don't want to regret my life. i could have done many things better. but i don't want to think about it. i should not be.

i think that's a good transition to the next thought that i had on my mind today. does anybody really have control over themselves? well this thought was initiated by probably some TED talk and my thoughts of fate. both of which points to the answer 'no'. which sounds so bleak it's almost instantly depressing.

i remember it was mentioned that (correct me, if im wrong) what we we decide to eat and wear is all subconsciously influenced my the media, like advertisements and stuff. which follows that our decisions are not made by ourselves. which makes some sense. but then again, one can say that he/she decides what advertisement to subscribe to and follow, so there's still some sort of control isn't it. well, i don't know. but i think the media is making free will seem like a joke sometimes if it can make people go crazy and overhype certain stuff.

the other thing that makes me wonder about our control over our lives is fatalism. (wow. i actually wiki-ed fatalism to find that it is actually consistent with what im talking about, which is kinda cool.) yes and if you did wiki it, it has the idea that everything is pre-determined. what do you think? if everything was pre-determined, then obviously you don't have control over your lives. you may think you do, but its just an illusion. like by choosing to take a bus, (i tend to think of this because i take buses so often) my fate is sealed with the bus's fate. the bus decides when i will reach my destination, whether safely or not. i have no control over it.

oh man. this came to my mind right now. what if the entire duration of our lives is just one long bus journey? what if the free will that we think we have is the choice of where to sit or stand, which, at the end of the day, could very well be pre-determined as well? my friends call these thoughts 'mindfking yourself'. and i just did.

one reason why i believe in fatalism is because of time travel. i thought that if time travel was possible, that means the future has to already exist if we were to be able to get there. that means that it doesn't take time for the future to come into existence; instead it just exists. if every single fraction of the future exists independently of time, then our fates have been decided for us. if you don't believe that, that you got to destroy the childhood hope that time travel was possible, which is so damn hard to do, at least for me.

then again, there's a more scientific part to that, as Einstein had said that time is an illusion. i think it has something to do with 'time' being the 4th dimension. i think its very technical and im not completely confident that i know the concept behind that. if you're interested just google 'time is an illusion.'

another thing that bugged me greatly is the value of education. when i was in secondary school, i never understood how the knowledge of titration could possibly make any impact on my life in the future, knowing that i'd never ever go into chemistry. now that im in uni, i clearly understand that knowing stuff, whatever stuff it may be, and scoring well gets me a better paying job in the future.

but this sem, i once again find myself asking whether i'll ever be using all the theories that i've learnt in the future. i don't know what i'll work as, but lets say if i'd be doing some office job in the private sector, how does knowing the First Order Condition for optimal consumption make me any more productive than not knowing at all? where is the value in education?

well we can clearly see it if someone works for the government, comes up with proposals for economic policies. i've done a project in a public finance module and believe it or not, i personally think that ERP is a brilliant idea. its just pure genius. 5 paragraphs explaining the thoughts behind it would probably bore you, although an economist would probably understand. its a pity that people just wanna complain about it. i can't help it - i think they're just ignorant.

so education is impt for people working in the government. also true for professors-to-be. but the value adding ends at those two. i think most people work in the private sector and what good does a uni education really do? i really don't know because i haven't worked in an office. but i suspect that its probably possible for someone who hasn't been to a uni to be equally productive as one that has if there was a on-the-job training provided for a few months. heck, even graduates go through training.

i really forgot what was my thought process, but what i really want to come to think of is a hypothetical situation where computers and robots completely replace human capital. what's the link here? damn. i lost it. i think what i thought about is that, say, in 500 years,

people who once were able to make a living by going through an education mechanically - having no questions asked, will be phased out by the corporate sector. because robots can do exactly what they did, and profit maximising producers would only invest on robots they are potentially more cost-efficient and less error-prone than humans. the only people that can survive are those who are very rich to begin with - that they are engaged in some form of business and can invest in robots to produce stuff for them, or those very intelligent - that they are able to think more than that was ever thought of, making them more valuable assets than robots.

or maybe not because the government will take care of poor people. or maybe human labour will become so cheap after a drop in demand for them that people will still hire humans. maybe i didn't think deep enough.

ok i guess that's that. its time to sleep. let me know if you've been here and have anything to share. if not, then be happy 'cos that's what you really wanna be at the end of the day!

last paper!

2010-11-26T00:53:00.002+08:00

...and after a gazillion years without blogging, im making my 3rd post in like 2 weeks!

well i should be jumping for joy in around...10 hours? my last paper's starting in 8hrs. I should be getting some sleep soon. Thank you for being through with me in this exam period. Well if you're one that's going to read this in 2015, worry not because you've been here all the time, for time, believe it or not, is an illusion.

i hope the paper's not going to be too heavy on the math. like calculus. differentiations. i tend to think that papers like that punishes people for being lazy during math class when they were young. and naive. like me. and it sucks. i don't represent the any of the econs students out there, but it sucks for me cos i suck at math.

well no point whining, if anything. gotta accept it. maybe it takes good skill in mathematics to be a good economist. if that is so, then eliminate me, and someone better will take my place in the economy.

feeling slightly off, but im ok

2010-11-24T02:17:00.003+08:00

well i had a bad day. it started 24 hrs ago when I had trouble falling asleep. Somehow, I was afraid of dying. A lot of thoughts went through my mind. Somehow, I just felt that there was a definite probability that I would not wake up in the morning, because my thoughts of consciousness and existence truly confused and clogged up my entire mind.

Also, three consecutive papers were staring in my face, which i have gotten over by now. I had time management problems for all three, and i remember during the 1st paper my mind would still randomly wander off into thinking of consciousness itself. I really don't understand why do these thoughts have to constantly invade me. For one, im not the smartest person out there, just an average guy - but i just fill myself with questions way beyond my own level of intellect. I should be more concerned with my present studies, which are far more manageable and actually yield results from time inputs.

My third paper was my core module. I left 2 parts of a question blank due to time constraints, which left me greatly distraught. At that time i really wondered what does it take out of me to distinguish myself from others? I self-destructed for 5mins while the papers were collected, feeling really really bad about it.

Fortunately, none of my tutorial mates and friends actually had enough time either. Nor did they think it was easy. Wait. Why did I say...fortunately?...

Throughout my entire life in NUS, I constantly wish that I would one day serve the country well as a economics graduate, and I really want to make an impact - I want to improve the lives of people. Recently, in the face of competition, I thought to myself that - Hey, well if I don't do well enough, someone better than me will rightfully replace me in the position that I seek, and that would be better for others. Yet intuitiively, as i walked out of the exam venue, I wished that everyone did badly. Why? I am truly confused. If you are one that genuinely wishes everyone good luck before u step into the exam hall and secretly hope that nobody did well after walking out, you are probably confused too.

Well the final thing to end a bad day was sink my fingers into the blades of newly bought shavers carelessly left in my bag when I reached for my keys. Blood was dripping on the floors everywhere but oh well. Im fine now. It was gross while it lasted though. Im more concerned that my writing speed wouldn't be affected cos I've 2 more papers to go.

Well for the previous post on consciousness, if you hadn't read it, then there's no need to because after some feedback I realised it was probably too complicated. If you're still interested to think about it, here's a simplified version:

I die, and scientists gather every single scientific data on me right down to the atomic level, including brain matter, DNA and all that good stuff. 200 years later, with advancements in technology and scientists extract that data to recreate me from the atomic level, right from scratch. Assuming that's possible, is that recreation me? Is the consciousness that exists within that recreation the same consciousness that I have?

I've asked that question to several friends, even my dad. Most are compelled to say 'No', which kind of surprises me. Why not?

Now clear your mind and think of another case I thought about, which is probably simpler. There are 2 huge containers linked to one another. Scientist transfer my body from container A to container B, atom by atom, but at the smallest physical time interval possible, so it doesn't take forever to complete. When im transfered from container A to B, am I still the same person?

If you said 'No' again, you probably are consistent in your thoughts for both scenarios. What, then, is our consciousness made up of, if it does not exist at the atomic level? Probably nothing! So its not a physical object, because if it were to be, then it should be transferable through space and time. Its... mysterious.

I then considered a third scenario where two perfectly identical eggs, down to the atomic level, are fertilised by perfectly identical sperms at the same time, under the same conditions.

Oh damn, before I get overly excited, a bulb just lighted in my head! Could the answer be SPACETIME? Man, I could spend the next few days thinking about this! Amazing. Because no two objects can ever exist in the same spacetime, even though how identical they could ever be. That makes us unique! And the uniqueness of consciousness could be explained by that!

So even though the atomically identical sperm and egg grow into human beings, they are still different, because they existed in different spacetime! How often does this happen. Inspiring myself in a blog entry.

Ah...well. Guess i've written too much. Its bed time.

Do tell me what you think about consciousness if you please. Could the answer be 'yes?' the same person? That would suggest that religious views of reincarnations and the transition to heaven and hell wouldn't exist, because our consciousness cannot be at two places at one time, but its probably not impossible afterall, just controversial.

well LOOK WHO WE GOT HERE!

2010-11-11T02:20:00.002+08:00

HEY IM BACK GUYS!...and nobody's there is it.

well its the time of the year again when lectures end, people start gearing up for the exams and suddenly i'd get bored and spontaneously check back on my blog.

it seems to me that every single time i look back on myself, i'd regret what i wrote. kinda. see - that previous post was certainly naive and probably untrue. Who'd really know how far the human race could have progressed if nobody was driven by profits and money and riches and fame?

but another question bugged me greatly recently. lets imagine a hypothetical situation where say, i got fatally knocked down by a car on the morrow. What happens next is, well, kind of like science fiction.

so a doctor captures every single data about my physical body. My mass, proportions, chemical compositions, and every single thing i ever knew that was encoded in my brain - my memories, my values, my beliefs, and my typing of this blog post the day before. and wait...wait...im in a perfectly healthy state of mind. definitely not ready to die yet, if case this sounded like some suicide note to you.

so all these data are stored in a computer. 200 years later, a team of scientists reconstruct 'me' based on all these data. theoretically, everything works out fine, so 20 kids come to 'me' calling me great great grand uncle.

does this sound insane to you? well at a first glance the science fiction involved sounds insane. but lets just assume its true. its possible. what happens?

is that reconstructed person still 'me'? here, im really struggling with the idea of 'consciousness'. you see - it isn't obvious at first, but if you do believe me that such a scenario is possible, then reincarnations and afterlife (eg. going to heaven/hell) is impossible, because then how can your consciousness exist in two different bodies at the same time? (as in, while i reincarnated as a pig, i was reconstructed in a lab as myself, how is that possible for me to be conscious of two seperate bodies?)

at the same time, i do also struggle with the idea of this...self identity thing. you see: how can you ever know whether 'he' is really 'me'? because afterall, that reconstructed 'thing' knows exactly what i ever knew, and if you had asked him whether he was zheng wen, whether he loves playing starcraft and studying and gummies 'he' would answer yesyesnoyes perfectly the way that i would. and if you asked him if he was really really really really me, he would say yes. but he could just be another consciousness within that body, while this consciousness that is within my current body, that affirms my existence, could have already faded away and shut down the moment i got hit by that car.

so who has the answer to whether 'he' is really 'me'? Me. Only I will know. It's just like if i could lie perfectly, who would know the truth?

and this sounds faintly similar to 'the problem of other minds', doesn't it! maybe only I exist - only i can affirm to my own existence, and even if i was a brain in a vat, i know I exist, because I am. Im not sure about you - the ones who will ever read this: do you exist? You can say yes for damn sure, but how can I ever be sure?...

so tell me - what is consciousness? why are we even...awake? why do i exist? and c'mon, the answer is not 42. we all know that. heh.

are atoms conscious of themselves? Probably not. then where does consciousness come from, if we are composed of organs from tissues from cells from molecules from atoms, where does the consciousness actually come in?

well, i just took a look at my facebook news feed and everyone seems to be happy, watching comical videos, getting upbeat for the upcoming exams or just talking some nonsense stuff. sometimes i really wonder why my mind just uncontrollably entertain such thoughts. it just makes me feel 'on the down side'.

i should get some sleep.

An update & a vision

2010-03-29T03:43:00.007+08:00

Ahh, my good old blogger.com. Always there for me when im alone in the night, doing some homework, stuff that i rarely do, and feeling kind of desperate.

May I now take a brief moment to let off some steam.

Fml, fml, fml.

So everyone's telling me that me taking a Philo mod this sem was equivalent to suicide. But of course! I had to go to dictionary.com and Wikipedia several times for every few pages of readings - and even so for the simplest of all the others that I chose to use to write my term paper. Of course, the real problem comes from understanding all these text, which in itself feels to me like a coded form of English - the kind that makes the man on the street fail his comprehension test.

All these readings make me feel stupid, and yet this could be one justification for this course, as Socrates would put it: at least I know that I don't know. And as such, I am wiser than I used to be, when I didn't know that I don't know.

Now, I should stop dwelling over this...

...And why am I still here!

Well, the story goes like this. I have gathered 10 of my friends and shared with them a plan that I have for tonight, when its finally all quiet and dark, a plan where I'll need their help. They've done their prep and warm-ups and all - only to be disappointed by the fact that they hadn't had the action that they wanted. And that's because I got stuck on my term paper. So I brought all of them here for them to have some keyboard mashing action.

aoifdjs oidsaiofuewqopfd;dasuiocvnxzufdoiafsxz.,v qo

Well. An impressive display on the importance of teamwork, isn't it. When my 10 friends choose to break off from my leadership and go solo, the result is...nonsense. Literally.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Well...I have a little naive vision of the world. A vision of the world! That sounds like an absurd thing to have for someone as stupid as i am, and at my age.

I'll get straight to the point and say that people should perhaps start striving for the greater good. Of the world. How ambitious and naive is that! Too much time spending alone on the train and bus to NUS has resulted in me thinking too much, perhaps for my own good: I could have done more constructive things instead. So let me spill out the thoughts and move on to better things when I'm done.

How do we even get there?

First, everyone has to really work as a team. Sounds easy, but its just incredibly, if not impossibly hard. Its too idealistic. How many locals could sincerely be welcoming of our Chinese Chinese (Chinese from China) counterparts studying in our schools? How many locals could sincerely accept foreign workers, and not blame them for stealing our jobs?

Honestly, if I had what I thought was a perfect job, and then I got sacked, justifiably, because a foreigner could do better than me, could I even feel that its alright, that its for the greater good? Of course not. On what grounds then, should I even be qualified to talk about all these, when reality strikes?

But if I could really do that, then change can happen overnight. Of course, attitudes don't change like that. Perhaps time can convince people to have greater acceptance of people from other nationalities and races. But before time can do its job, people should first be set in the correct direction.

I'd imagine myself looking at two different babies in a cradle. Think of them as having different nationalities, different races. I'd like to think that they both deserve to be equal, although they are not born that way. Its hard to imagine that one day, one of them might grow to develop negative feelings for the other. Something has to be wrong here. Imagine a peaceful little room of 50 newborn babies, and yet one day they'll grow to fight amongst each other. Surely, something messed up has happened in between.

I think it first strikes people that they fight each other simply because of survival. Sounds primal, but I think that's what going on here right now, that the locals aren't happy that our jobs are getting 'stolen' by foreign workers. What's going to happen to our greater good if we ever chase all the foreign workers out?

Of course, lets first leave the expats out of this. Im sure that people generally agree that foreign expats are beneficial to us. So - if we're going to lose the Chinese workers at our restaurants/coffee shops, locals are going to fill the vacancy. Which would then drive up the costs, since locals are much more relatively expensive to hire, assuming locals and foreigners are of equal productivity. And higher costs means higher prices! Sounds bad for people with shallow pockets. All these are intuitive to the layman - but there's perhaps a deeper problem: when we fall into recession, demand for goods falls, firms that used to survive and made small profits are now faced with tough choices: cut costs, raise prices or shut down the business. We should be thanking the foreign workers for keeping at least some of the local businesses alive by supplying relatively cheap labour and keeping prices down.

Recently I also thought of another issue regarding our workforce. In the restaurant, Spruce, where I work part-time, there are plenty of foreigners. The stewards, the ones who wash the plates and cutlery, are all foreigners of different races, working on rotated shifts. I feel that the local labour supply for stewards is zero. Because there's too much manual labour for the elderly, and the young ones aren't going to willing to take on dishwashing as a career, whlist living in a first world society, and at the same time when asian notions of "face" dominates, even if employers are willing to fork out $1200 per month(which is, a very high price for a dishwasher) for a full time local, the labour supply could still be close to zero. So what about that? Without foreign workers, restaurants might just resort to disposable plates and cutlery. Or, in the case of Spruce, they'll make me wash the plates, quoting the idea of "for the greater good" as I proposed. And give me $3/hr for that, "for the greater good".

Besides the "babies in the cradle" thought, I have also thought of an alien's perspective of the Earthlings. Imagining I was an alien, who has come from another faraway planet where fairness and equality is a social norm in a global society, where everyone works for the greater good. And I study the Earthlings, seemingly selfish in their own ways, struggling to maximise their individual benefits, and not progressing quickly enough as a race as a whole, the human race. When I return to my homeland, what kind of report would I write?...

"...I have extensively studied the human race and concluded that they are an obsessed race. The males are generally obsessed with soccer and the females, Louis Vuitton. They are collectively obsessed with their personal greed, lacking 'racework', and moving in the wrong direction. It is by no doubt that the humans are an inferior race as compared to us..."

In a way, I am raising questions about capitalism, but its hard to undo all the things I've ever learnt from scratch, that perhaps it is only the private ownership of the means of production that works in economies, and allows the best allocation of resources when firms are strictly profit driven and not controlled centrally by the government, although the latter sheds some possibility of a 'racework' global economy.

So capitalism prevails. The next step to fostering greater 'racework', after having more acceptance towards people of other races and nationalities, is to do more to help the poor.

Adam Smith has surely been a genius to have coined the metaphor of an invisible hand: that resources are allocated by the forces of self-interest. But yet, I would tend to think that our morals have to work with our self-interest in determining the allocation of resources. I once watched a TED talk where it was mentioned that more money is being put to hair growth in America then on fighting malaria in African nations. Its easy to understand: self-interested individuals supply the demand of hair growth products to affluent middle-aged high income males and make profits from that trade. But the resources could be better spent saving lives.

I think that helping the poor, or the so-called "bottom billion", is important because we could do much more to help them survive and receive education. The world could surely use a billion educated people in every single field: to solve the mysteries of quantum sciences, to solve the world's energy and environmental issues, and perhaps 0.000001% of them, which turns out to be 10 of them, will become influential philosophers that will provide new insight on epistemology, realism, and revolutionise Western philosophy. And perhaps also write in simpler English that I could understand.

Oh well. Just don't forget to do your part when you've got the money, ZW.

general update + a dose of insanity

2010-01-26T01:31:00.002+08:00

Okay, its 1:30am and I have classes 11.5hrs from now. Sounds like a bad idea to be awake. Sounds even bad to be fiddling around in this virtual dimension.

So what happened is - I've been on and off blogging so many times. And right now I got a Deja Vu that I did this typing, and that i typed "Deja Vu" right here. Okay, that was random, but all the more I should complete this.

Truth is, I never really made a solid post. Usually my thoughts get stashed away in virtual space, especially when I start to doubt my sanity. So I go on goodbyehasalast.com only to discover that my last post was more than a month ago!!!...

Okay. That was overreacting. Its not that surprising anyway. But whatever it is, even if you don't find me here in 10 mths, be and rest assured that the LZW that you know and I know, or I think I know, is still the same silly guy that you knew X years ago, even if you are reading this post Y years on now, on a random day in 2012 when you realise that the world didn't end and you decide to check out on a old friend of yours.

Right now I feel fine, albeit being slightly tired. Wouldn't know about myself Y years from now though. Previously I messed myself up at the start of this sem but its not worth mentioning. School's good. Im in NUS Arts Fac by the way. Majoring in Econs. Well im just saying - I know that you know, but just in case there's an old friend that pops by - at least he/she'll know.

So im generally fine, im good, im healthy, my six packs have decided on team work instead of being individualists, enjoying the days, worried about my grades.

This post shall end here. Or not.

------------------------------------------------------

I actually meant to seriously blog today to consolidate my thoughts. I know im dumb, but somehow in my life I would spawn many random* thoughts and ideas and questions in my head whose answers are extremely elusive.

*Really, truly, random. I think.

But fate has it that I would read another Philosophy mod this sem and suddenly, either some of my past questions were proven to have no answers, or were answered, without me asking anything, and I feel thrown into this deep pit in the realisation of my stupidity and ignorance.

It all started with a French gentleman named Rene Descartes who lived a few hundred years ago. That's how the English looks that on the screen, but really in my head I just keep hearing my Prof saying "Reh-ney Dey-cart". That's how it sounds like.

He famously wrote about his Meditations. In the First Meditation, he decides to demolish all his thoughts and doubt everything. It ends when he concludes that he can only be certain that he is thinking, which is his starting point for everything else. He decides to examine everything with detail and only when it cannot be doubted will he take it as being real.

Never mind if you didn't know about Descartes.

Anyway. As a young kid I was diagnosed with colour deficiencies. The doc told me I couldn't be a pilot, a florist, etc. I was furious about the pilot part.

For many years, I hoped that one day, maybe, I could prove that I am not the one with colour deficiencies. Maybe its the other way around. The ones that are not colour deficient are the ones that are, and vice versa. This insane thought bugged me truly for years. How would you ever know whose colour perception is really wrong? Afterall, I know at least 10 people who are red/green deficient, and maybe we're the ones that are right, but some doctor who knew his stuff said otherwise.

Then came The Book. The book that contains colour dots with hidden and coded numbers that I would never fail, to fail to decipher. I don't see numbers in that book. Seriously.

But then again, I have seen some coded dots where, people with red/green colour deficiency would see the number 79, people with normal colour perception will see 20, for example. Tried and tested. And what could be so absurd about this? It means that colour is subjective! Its like fashion. And I am outcasted/handicapped just because I am different from the majority.

This is entirely from my point of view. But isn't that convincing? If you, with normal colour vision, woke up the next day and 99% of the world's population turns red/green deficient, then you become the one that is colour blind! And the general population will come up with books with coded numbers in dots where only red/green deficient people can see - and you, with normal colour vision, become an outcast.

Even colour, something that we know so close, could be so unreal. But am I insane?

Lets talk about something else. I hear a guitar strumming, and I hear music. I enjoy it. You hear the exact same thing and you think that's noise. Same thing on colour. How do we ever know that our sensory organs give us similar experiences? Or it is obvious that it never does - since everyone is different?

You see - I know for sure that the taskbar on the bottom of my screen is blue. But does my blue equal to your blue? I have always wondered that too. My prof says that it does seem impossible to know the answer when the question was raised in lecture today.

Lets examine the problem - how do we know we're seeing the same 'blue'? We can compare it. We could say, oh, its the same colour as the sky in the morning, although the shade of the blue is slightly different. Or we could say, oh, its a light colour, its the colour of Sonic, or megaman, whatever.

But isn't it still possible that everyone could be seeing a fundamentally and consistently different 'blue' altogether? Like maybe one day if I switched bodies with you, everything changes - sonic looked brown for the first time, but it was the very blue that you ever knew!

But it also raises the question of whether is it the body or the "mind/soul" that makes the experiences, an distinction that was made by Descartes.

But isn't that idea insane as well? Its as though I could suggest that everyone's experience of white and black or day and night is different, which just seems absurd.

Another issue here is the Matrix. Truly classic random thought. TCRT. Turns out that there are many other people thinking about it too. Of course, there would be some that come out of the movie raving about how cool Keanu Reeves was, some impressed by the stop motion + 360 degree turn camera effect where Neo dodges the bullets, some people thinking if the Matrix could be real. And truly random people thinking about it for so long and without purpose.

If I am in a Matrix, it would follow that everything else is false? Isn't that were Descartes started - that the only truth is his thought, and because of that, he is. All the images that are presented to me could be fake. Even you. You. Even my prof. All these have been fed to me via a supercomputer or smth. We'll never know, we'll we? Isn't that possible?

Variations of that idea include me being a subject of a mad scientist, being a brain in a vat, or being under the influence of a 'deceiving demon'.

Just a few hrs ago I made a comment on the module blog owned by my prof that if the supercomputer/mad scientist really exists, then its pretty interesting to note that it/he had created my Prof to make me aware of their existence. What a cool idea. Or so I thought. I'll let you know if he had an intelligent reply to that on the blog or in class.

We'd never know for sure, wouldn't we? I mean - the Truth? Of course, now I have started to believe in the existence of God. But afterall that's what a free thinker could do. Believe in every God. I believe in the Chinese deities and goddesses as well, but I don't go too far into religion.

But why would I think a God, or a higher being, exists? Its just a kind of feeling. From the belief that the creation of myself, and everything else, and nature, is not purely coincidental. This is extremely subjective.

Another TCRT is my deja vu experiences. I seem to be experiencing the same things over and over again. I strongly suspect that I have experienced everything in my life but somehow I am repeatedly "zapped" back into the past. But isn't that an insane thought? How is it possible?

Could it be that, I been into the future, made a mistake, took a time machine and a good dose of "bad-memories-begone" and poof, here I am! Living my past all over again. Are those deja-vu experiences hints that the above are true, and hence I have to be absolutely careful in every life-changing decision that I make, lest I have to restart it all over again? Isn't it possible? Or am I completely insane?

Another seperate issue, or TCRT are my dreams, which are inextricably tied up with deja vu experiences. It is in my dreams I believe I get the deja vu from. Forget the scientific analysis of deja vu. I insist that the truth eludes.

And my dreams - its all cloudy and misty. Which feels like my recollection of memory. If my dreams could be made up, what about my past? Am I absolutely insane to think that way? Isn't it possible that I could be zapped into the present, of which every single bit of my past was programmed into my memory and made to make me feel like I have existed for the past 21 years of my life?

If that is true, then it would follow that only the present is the reality. Its as though the past was all a story that seems to be unmistakably real. But given the mad scientist argument, nothing yet could be real. So what is?

If you have been through with me this far, you should be awarded a medal of insanity as well.

But all along, I have so many questions about life. What is life? People could live their whole life happily without wondering about it. Why do I want to know - and what is there to know?

Now back to dreams. How do I know that I am not dreaming? Its an age old classic. But this one we know : that we're not when we have a seemingly higher level of consciousness and rationalism. Problem is, I could never know im dreaming when i am dreaming. I could only know when im 'awake' when I am. Dreams seem to defy reality - I could dream of anything under the sun other than cartoon characters, but it all makes sense in the dream. I don't go - "hey, how come rivervale plaza now has 4 storeys, normally its just 2. Something is wrong here...Aha! I am in a dream! That's why...".

Everything seems perfectly normal in a dream. Our experiences - its like there's an inner brain playing a movie to the brain, where its usually the eyes that play the movie to.

Okay im too tired to go on. I have more thoughts than that but its neither going to fulfill myself any further at the moment, and I have no reason to believe that anyone sane would read this far. Just kidding, really. You could be real bored, or really interested in my ignorance.

But really there are a few things I am clear about, speaking the Descartes way,

1. I think, I am.
2. I know myself better after this post
3. My questions were answered : there's no definite answer to my most of my questions.
4. Its 3.30am, Hurray?

Holidays

2009-12-20T00:04:00.001+08:00

Well its the holidays and im having fun in moderation.

Life has been peaceful relative to those army days where life was a roller coaster ride. Nothing really irks me now other than my results.

Because life is so peaceful, I don't have much to share with you.

How about I tell you what has been on my mind right now. I was thinking, in fact, about myself.

I was thinking about my own life. I have so many questions. And im too foolish to find any answer to any of those.

I was thinking - why am i who i am? Sometimes when im alone, on the bus, on the train, my mind starts to go wild.

Imagine I was born in Somalia. Right now im 21 years of age. I might be a pirate. Maybe because most of my friends are. Maybe because its lucrative. Or maybe because its the only way i could survive. I could have done many bad things, but the justice I might believe in is to get money and feed my family and give them a good life.

Imagine I was born in Japan 90 years ago. Right now im 23 years of age. I might be a soldier. Maybe because I was forced in it. Maybe because I love my country. Maybe because my family sent me for it. I could have done many bad things, but the justice I might believe in is to kill the enemy, and die for my country.

And now I am born in Singapore. Why am I who I am?

This might sound weird, but I do wonder if I actually have control over myself.

Do I decide everything, or do my circumstances shape who i am today? I am not about to try to convince you that we don't have control over ourselves. Although one module in philosophy is enough to affect my pea brain so badly after reading papers by some philosophers suggesting that, yes, we don't.

But my perspective towards that is different, because i am very worried that I so happen to be a good guy simply because i live in such circumstances. Should things change, then I could turn into a villain, don't you think so? What is the justice that I believe in? Will everything change when it all comes down to life and death?

After the bodyguards and assassins movie that I watched hours ago, I thought that maybe, only those who are not afraid to lose their lives would actually have control over it. Of course, the movie involves more elements of history that philosophy. I just imagined those ideas myself.

Alright, I should really stash those thoughts now, have some ice cream and continue to enjoy my peaceful life.

I just want to blog

2009-10-31T22:54:00.004+08:00

Heya! Im back. Anybody home?

When I clicked to enter a title for this post, a dropdown menu appeared, suggesting me to fill in the box with "Personal Project" or "Term Essay" or "Term Essay Draft".

Hence I filled in the title in response to that.

Nothing good comes out of me when I blog. So what's going on?

Right now im on my 3rd and final essay, which is due in 2 days, and im really stuck. I've been staring at the screen, for hours on end, and once in a while when I start typing, there'd be an image of my tutor and my prof looking at me and say :

"Im smelling some bullshit here..."

So the 1st sem in NUS isn't that easy afterall. I thought it would be; other ppl told me it would be. But just writing one essay could cause my brain to split. And with probably 100 more to go in my 4yrs in FASS, I'll probably have a million disconnected brain parts when I graduate.

If I ever go for brain surgery one day, the surgeon would probably open up my skull and exclaim : "oh my, what a mash!"

And maybe when I nod my head, there'll be bubbly sounds like "gloog gloog and bloob bloob..."

And maybe towards my final year, when my prof comments on one of my paper: "You need to organise your thoughts here,"

I could reply, "Well, its truly a mess up there!"

Alright. Not going to say much here. I have to get my essay done. Its amazing that I'd still have the mood to crap. Its just messed up.

trying to test my patience?

2009-05-21T23:41:00.002+08:00

well. its been awhile since i ever heard myself saying that. I wish i could, like i usually would around 10 to 20 times a day. But as a joke lah. I was never that mean anyway...like those thugs you hear about and all the lame things they do in Tekong.

My patience is being tested daily, or in fact, by the hour, in my restaurant. By both a minority grp of guests and some of my colleagues. I believe by the time i quit, i shud have amassed a great deal of patience. Who knows I might participate and be the final winner of a patience competition involving dealing with difficult people and talking to ridiculous colleagues while still keeping my cool.

I might win a million dollars!

Ah...but wai would I be so unwise? Wai you weak dude...so easily affected by other people nao?

Ah...this can't be happening. I'll be screwing up my own work experience for the nx few mths till i the day that i'll have to quit. Either that or i quit nao, but...ah. I can't. That's too harmful to my ego. I can't take it. I'll probably panic when my ego gets hurt.

I shall start thinking of how to improve my experience at work tml. Obviously I can't change the guests, or maybe i can?... By wearing a

"PLEASE BE NICE TO ME AND NOT TRY TO TEST MY PATIENCE OK"

tag on my shirt?...oh yeh.

Rah. I might end up getting slapped instead huh.

Well. Its impossible to change my weird colleagues. So the problem lies with me afterall.

Oh yeah. It definitely is.

Oh noo!

2009-05-08T20:55:00.004+08:00

I have been living an extremely large happiness deficit and it might be time to hit the panic button! :O

Rah.

Well. I've been a waiter at a new restaurant near Redhill for 2 mths already. I've been going to work fresh in the morning and going home, many times, in a foul mood.

Because im tired, and because so many things can happen in the day that makes the smiling that i need to keep cos of the nature of my job change from a natural one to an artificial one. Think Botox!

You might agree that really rich and snobbish tai tais are the best group of people to wait on. Especially like when a group of 8 of them walk in, its just makes me extremely excited!

Some of the staff and superiors are quite a pain to work with. Is it that hard to realise that everyone is giving you special treatment? People with so amazing high EQ shud really try other jobs. They will probably make very good touters at hawker centres! The kind that never gives up!

All these aside, i geniunely thank my head supervisor for teaching me so much stuff and my colleagues and my boss and all the polite and humourous ang mohs who made the job worth keeping. I thank myself too for taking up the challenge of ridiculous working hours, working under ridiculous superiors and serving ridiculous guests that dined in our restaurant. Its has truly been an eye-opener for me.

That brings me to genuinely thank the existence of normal and good people like YOU.

Oh well. Now that i think of it, all the ridiculous things actually give me and my colleagues a lot of conversation topics to talk and joke about. So its all good!

Okay. Maybe i don't have to press the panic button afterall. Just gonna work on that fake smile!

wells.

2009-04-25T15:45:00.002+08:00

Wanted this to be a non-random post and say something about what i've been doing, etc etc, you know. For the few of you who might have been wondering.

Well, its too much to type actually. So i shall leave it aside.

Anyway, It kind of hit me that i've been losing my momentum as of late. Over the past week I have heard the wrong things twice, overslept in the MRT, slept in the MRT station and then missing 2 trains, and taken the wrong bus without realising it. Hmm. Wouldn't take rocket science to notice something is wrong.

And I feel that I need a lot of 'me' time but im not getting it, and its frustrating.

I think i've been juggling too many things that its getting all tied up into a dead knot. So much for making the most of my time.

I got to be honest that im not doing well...aiya but i'll probably just need a few moments to sort myself out and im fine again. Life would be too monotonous without the 'downs' huh.

In the meantime, i shall not spend time here and take some time off for myself.

the Best Friend

2009-04-08T22:59:00.004+08:00

Unlike most frens who would not like being used

Time is fine with it

He's ok even if he's used

For blogging weird things.

And for everything we do

We'll take Time

with us

So we're never alone.

When we're happy and satisfied

In the company of other friends

He would silently

slip away

and before you know it

he's gone.

He disappears

When we sleep.

Sometimes we're angry at him

For not giving us enough

But how could we ask for more?

Everyone gets fairly treated

Presidents, CEOs, you and me.

Some people call

Time their greatest enemy

Do they want him dead?

What happens when Time is done

What happens

Two bittersweet fruits

2009-04-07T21:59:00.004+08:00

I've been

Eating Can almost every day, once a day.

I take

Small bites out of Can, so that its not too bitter, although that's at first.

A big bite

Is immediately nasty

But its aftertaste is sensational

And it lingers

For a while.

There's a secret cache of Cannot somewhere in my dungeon.

Shhh.

Somewhere...somewhere.

I hid it in a brown wooden chest placed in more chests of increasing sizes, 15 in total, complete with large abloy locks.

I threw 14 of the golden keys randomly into the darkests corners of the dungeon.

The last key to the chest containing the cache,

I threw it into The Pit.

But this morning

I went into the dungeon and ate a little Cannot.

Secretly.

When no one's looking.

And we all know

How it tastes like.

young man

2009-04-04T21:52:00.005+08:00

there's

no time

living with regrets

so much to learn

small little dreams

feeling random

Foooh.

closed eyes

puffed up cheeks

both palms on face

heave a sigh

looks up

foooh.

have hope

do good things

find the right way

making someone else's

dream come

true.

Sad Eyes

tell no lies.

feeling random

2009-03-23T01:06:00.005+08:00

My dreams

Im my dreams, I have no control over myself, no sense of judgement, and no strength.

Yet i'd experience fear and pain.

On some nights I could be chased by ugly villians in a shopping centre, or in the carpark, or along an alley, and I never found the courage to fight back each time it happens. Then i'd find myself falling into a tank full of sharks, and i'll never make it out. I'd have one foot stuck between a pair of jaws, and i still remember that it really hurt.

I'd be running away, running on MRT tracks and tunnels, running in open fields, and I never seem to be able to solve my problems. On lazy days, I'd purposely sleep back to enter the dream again to solve the issue, but I'd never be able to; I'd just continue running again.

Why, why why.

Please let me dream of a paradise tonight. I'd want to see the best creation of my imagination.

O.o

2009-03-20T15:22:00.001+08:00

wow...floating island?

feeling thankful

2009-03-19T00:52:00.010+08:00

Its extremely satisfying to have learnt stuff and had fun.

When i was still a kid i was quite certain that I will make it on my own. I'd feel reluctant to ask others for help. (but that doesn't mean i wouldn't help others!)

That same kid is sure a darn lucky chap to have chanced upon so many great personalities along the way. I feel greatly humbled by all these people that I've met and spent some time with. Without them, that kid would have grown up to be a very ignorant and mindless young man, although he still is, because he hasn't had enough to experience in his short life.

Amongst them are the ones who have very strong morals, people who are very clear on what's right and wrong, and its all very interesting. I'd picture the latter ones as people who'd point to 2 identical grey pictures and say, "this is black. this is white. Clear cut. Because..." And then explaining the reasons to me.

Then I'd also meet people who never fail to cheer me up. I'd have been some sad and stuck up moron if not for people like that because im not fond of sharing my little mediocre problems.

And of course people who just seem to know everything and will "let me show you how its done."

Lucky kid.

You'll all be fine

2009-03-17T02:25:00.002+08:00

Just a few hours after midnight, a plane whizzed off from the land of Singapore into the darkest skies, and made no more than a whisper in the city that's sleeping.

It brought with her a number of fine young men with heavy hearts, to a place far from home, where they will sweat it out, walk in knee deep mud, and sometimes the rain, and through forests and hills and mountains, while carrying loads not meant for normal human beings.

Of course, I was there at the airport.

The men i knew, who still have several mths till they ORD, were in high spirits, and we caught up on what i have been doing, and how have they been 'surviving', and how miraculous it was that this guy finally passed his SOC, and about this guy who poured hot water over his own arm and then lied about it just to get ATT C to miss this overseas training trip.

Anyways, the excitement didn't last very long when the men dispersed to bid their loved ones farewell before the 'final moment'. So many of them embracing their parents, girlfriends, a few teary eyes, and not even a smile.

Quite depressing, although now i'd be glad that im done with my time in there.

They'll all be back soon of course, and when they do they'll be done with probably the toughest thing they've ever, physically, could do.

weird dreams

2009-03-13T00:18:00.004+08:00

last night i dreamt that i

just returned from war

and my application for my course in NUS was somehow, rejected.

The whole world darkened to doom and thick large grey clouds filled the skies.

I laid down my rifle on a table in the rain.

Next, i woke up and felt extremely depressed. One hour later, on the LRT, i realised that the dream was just a dream, and i felt fine again.

Sometimes..

2009-03-09T00:23:00.008+08:00

..I feel that I'll have to be somebody one day. And I wish that I could wrap that feeling up and put it in my pocket because i know that i'll lose it along the way.

Rah.

2009-03-06T03:50:00.001+08:00

I'm still jobless now that its 3 weeks after i ORD, and that's because I failed to keep three promises.

The first promise, made on the day I ORD-ed, that i failed to keep was a promise to myself that I would find a job within one week.

The second promise, made a week later, that i failed to keep was " " " " " " ...a job by the second week.

The third promise, made 2 weeks later, " " " " " " " ... by the third week.

Ah... it makes me so guilty. Like I've lost my own moral ground. I mean if I am consistently like this I'd be embarrassed to expect others to keep their promises to me. But that's besides the point. In fact the real reason why im still jobless is because im too stubborn to accept an admin job which i really really find not very meaningful and uninteresting because I have done one before. And of course, im not very actively looking for one on my part.

But if you can help, please do. I am skilless, untrained, and have no experience. Im willing to learn anything.

Uh...most of the days are spent very normally. When its boring it becames monotonous, or when it feels ok, its actually feels peaceful.

Once in a while, perhaps after finishing a very uh, whats that word - poignant. A poignant story... or after watching a very sad movie. I'd feel enveloped in a dark shroud for awhile but its actually quite a calm feeling, a nothing-else-matters-right-now feeling.

But in that sadness its interesting that sometimes the heart really aches a little. It made me wonder if the phrase 'heart-wrenching' really means a wrench ripping the heart in a twist. And that would be so painful. So quite some time back i was bored and i tried to write a few lines about that and that would rhyme so it doesn't sound random.

Throughout the writing I kept seeing flashes of Happy Tree Friends. It was very distracting but I don't regret watching it becos...its funny. >=)

A few times each day, a wrench will turn,

Tightly it pinches, with the Heart between.

Oh the brave Heart resists, never did he learn,

How strong he believed, the Heart could not win.

The Heart's shaped twisted - his bottom had chipped,

It cracked in the middle, his humps deformed.

Drenched in cold blood, in silence he weeped,

Oh he screamed and cried, so wearied and worn.

The Mind feels naught, confused it seemed.

Composing his thoughts, he found the key-

"Heart was wailing - three times it's been.

Same number of times, You ran through me."

Anyway, life for me has never been so dramatic that I'd feel a wrench around my heart. And im perfectly fine. I guess. I hope it doesn't give you an impression that i've been depressed lately cos its not true. The words are just too exaggerated.

The curse of luxury

2009-02-20T22:06:00.005+08:00

I watched a TV programme about this Singaporean teacher who went to Nepal, and then there were so many kids in this school, and they attended lessons happily. Before the teacher left she gave them ballons and pencils and a book and they were so happy.

After watching that, I think I'd greatly confused myself when I thought about how im being cursed by all these computers, TV, and maybe even the air-con. Cursed to this level of not-easy-to-be-happy and not-easy-to-satify.

I tend to confuse myself sometimes. Tickle my own mind. Thought is free anyway. You see - I wondered if I'd have led a happier life if I hadn't had a computer. Or a TV. If i was poor, or if i grew up in another country free of all the worldly worries of things like money, and other things such as money and money.

Then sometimes I'd see the Earth as a globe...like I'm in outer space. And I see myself...with mega-ultra bionic eyesight...I see myself. One small Life. Then I wonder what we're on this planet for...think and think...haha. It always happens when im too free, or when I lose focus on something.

And then I hear a voice coming from within...

who are you? what are you living for?

...Actually that's just Tom Chaplin's voice. Its the lyrics in a song by Keane.

Hmm...starting to get random around here.

Beginnings

2009-02-15T00:18:00.004+08:00

Enlisting was a beginning, and so is ORD. What's the thing they always say about ends and beginnings? I guess its true sometimes.

And what better way to start a new beginning then to do a TOTAL REVAMP of my blog!...

...yeah, Right.

I just got to admit im not good at all this html. But it does look different right?

I've been spending a lot of time sleeping nowadays. I used to think that sleeping is a waste of time, but recently i've started to enjoy it abit more.

See me sleeping right there? Oh yeah.

Beside me sleeping is a bass clef. I drew it becos i wanted to draw a ear and it took me awhile to realise that i can't.

I got this high to take this picture above simply by thrusting both my fists into the sky simultaneously.

Aha. Getting cranky.

O . R . D

2009-02-11T00:29:00.013+08:00

If the application at the top of this page loads properly and works on yur browser, you'll see zeros.

If you can't see, well, today is actually the day i ORD - or Operationally Ready.

My mum kept asking, "what does the D stand for?"

"the D is the ReaDy the Dy"

"Yeah, R stands for Ready right? So what is D"

I suspect she still doesn't know.

Just a sidenote, the meaning of ORD isn't very strong...i mean, i was already operationally ready probably even before i went for training in Australia. As in ready for war, even though, yeah, its peaceful...and its not so probable...but, just ready.

Doesn't it sound weird if you're ready for the job on the day you left it?

Anyway...11 feb, yeah. Its been amazing to have done it. I just feel mildly glad now but its not because i miss it...but because the best celebrations happened way before today.

Few days back i met up with some of my army friends in camp becos, well, i was too bored and they wanted to go back. After a bit of sharing, I had a reassuring feeling that im not alone because everyone else is also bored to tears at home. That day in camp, we had lunch that was OTOT(own time own target), played Risk, a board game, talked cock, and then booked out at our OTOT.

It was the best days in recent times.

Im just a little frustrated that I'm wasting so much free time away and I know that i will regret this once i resume my studies. I keep thinking of what to do...what to do...but I haven't really thought about anything good.

I don't want to...do certain things just to kill time. Like if i force myself to finish a book, its doesn't do justice to the novel because...ok. It just feels wrong.

Then if i force myself to cycle...I don't really got that feel because...its not spontaneous. Like i suddenly want to cycle to the beach and then i cycle there at top speed. The feeling is different. But I cycled a lot anyway.

Hmm...I must be quite a confused person. Kind of...so damn affected by all these little things. Come on man. Am i still so unwise that i can't even sort myself out...? I think i need to seriously sit down and plan my time...

And now i hear a whisper, soft, but strong,

From the inside of my ear, and it sworn:

Damn you! You fool - what's taking you so long?

Time is precious, seize it before its gone.

Hmmm...

er...

Corny?

I really heard myself scolding myself few moments ago actually.

The free-est man on Earth

2009-02-02T22:12:00.003+08:00

I could be...

The free-est man on Earth.

Today, yesterday, and the day before.

Because I can

Wake up anytime i want.

I have

No homework to worry about. No one giving me problems. No obligations. No responsibilities. No one to answer to except for myself. No worries.

I could be secretly happy

That I can't get an official job

Because im technically still serving NS.

And its against the law. Although i might have

Broken many laws.

I can

do whatever i want. Today, and the morrow, and the day after.

Today, i've been to many places: im so excited to share it with you.

I've been to an

Island with mystical inhabitants. A thick forest covered by blue snow. An old rectangular arena, made of jewel-embedded pillars, decorated bricks and had long benches made of pale stone.

One moment i was a

Radioactive Builder. I had friends who took the form of lobsters, frogs, and deformed or elongated beasts. I didn't do anything wrong, but a giant 3-headed hydra with dark blue and jade green scales wanted to

Kill me.

Next moment I found my Orcish self

firing arrows infused with fire at giant spiders, polar bears, giant scorpions and centaurs... I was in the arena, watched by Humans, fighting, side by side with fellow spear and sword wielding Orcs, for the most coveted prize of all -

Our lives.

Next moment I found myself

Blogging.

But before that I was

bored till the kind of death that you'll never die from - just like in the game and yet it ensnares you and makes you feel

Sad.

But i am the free-est man on Earth.

Its all my fault.

It takes one week of my free life to realise that

Im too lazy to be free.

Not even ambrosia would feed

My hungry soul that seeks

Challenges. Tough challenges. Satifying challenges. Challenges we believed to be impossible to surmount.

Every night I lay in bed

I ask myself different questions

that all bring great dissapointment

"what have you done.accomplished.experienced.learnt today?"

is the answer. The answer is .

But I still am

the free-est man on Earth. Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow.

OK. I think i exaggerated in my writing. I'm absolutely grateful to the friends who have helped relieved my boredom over the past few days.

Without friends. I'll die a slow death...like how a plant wilts without sunshine. (Did someone just say... 'corny'?)

I've decided to book in back to camp tomorrow. Because...its better than staying at home where the air seems stale and stifling. Maybe i'll run a few rounds around the camp. I'll have a chat with my men. Yeah. Sounds good.

So I'll just be the free-est man on Earth today.

If NS was a marathon...

2009-01-25T04:24:00.002+08:00

...then i would have crossed the finishing line.

But its not just today that i did. Perhaps it was on Friday, when i (informally) handed over my equipment; my section stores, my section of men, and my duties, to my understudy of 4mths, although it didn't felt so great, maybe becos he wasn't up to standard.

Or perhaps it was on last Wednesday night, when i left the gates of my camp, and i just felt free, although the feeling didn't last; in less than a day, i felt lost - maybe because i suddenly had no direction in life, after sitting in front of either the computer or the TV.

Or perhaps i crossed the finishing line on the afternoon of the same Wednesday, when i boarded my transport back to camp after completing my last mission, knowing that i'll never have to walk long and enduring distances, and put on camo cream. I never got over the irk-ish feeling of putting camo cream - made of vegetable oil - on my face, although i'd always end up putting a lot of it. And i didn't like the smell of it.

Right now, im on leave until I ORD. In fact I could never clear finish all of it. I just stayed around until i realised i could have started clearing my leave earlier.

Anyway... regarding the lost feeling, I really should share abit more of how i felt on Thursday, the day after i 'pang kang', as my army friends would call it.

I woke up in the morning and i had no clue of what to do.

I felt that i switched on my computer out of instict rather than interest. Its like the only interactive device around. Maybe if i had a soft toy that would squeal when i push the 'press me' button, i would be playing with it.

You'll never know.

I never planned anything for Thursday: it wasn't a special day off from my camp that i had looked forward to, and back in camp, you don't plan to do things. Things are planned for you. I tink its a fair statement.

If it was a weekend, i'd buy something that i missed during the weekdays in camp where the food is really bad. It could be anything simple. Like ban mian. I skipped lunch on Thursday.

It wasn't well spent. But then i tell myself its good that i actually bother regretting my day - becos it does mean that Time matters to me, and I want to spend it meaningfully.

I did take a look at what i've wrote all this while in army, and i kinda realised that i haven't been sharing a lot, and whenever i did, it seemed to sound dull and bleak most of the time.

And I didn't share much about my civilian life.

You know - i should have shared much more.

A lot of times i find myself deleting entire paragraphs. Or maybe i'd stare at the screen for 5mins, and then type a 'then', then think another 5mins, and backspace, and add a fullstop.

Sometimes, i censor myself.

Sometimes, it would go: "So I had a great week..." and then i would backspace everything again because its a Sunday, and im 5hrs to my book in timing, and I just can't psyche myself up enough to say something positive. I'd end up typing about how i feel. Just hours before booking in.

Truth is: there have been times army was fun. Maybe one of these days i'd note down my whole army experience while i could still recall them, and maybe i'd look back and laugh at myself one day.

Army was not all bad - I'd never lie. I'd love to joke about all the ridiculous things i've experienced, but there's a part of me that knows i had fun, and i've learnt things. And i know that i've more or less had some positive influence of a number of lost souls. I've had men who were constantly thinking of suicide, and one who wanted to play maplestory for a career, then die at the age of 30, and a handful who were very willing to inflict injuries of themselves to get long term Att C, a status that certifies one 'unfit for duty' - just like taking MC.

Some will come to me. I'd talk them out of it. These people - they'll do anything to get out of camp. To miss trainings and outfields when the going gets tough.

Argh. I feel that my mind is suddenly very much occupied. Its complicated. Life is not easy. These men - they have issues. Some used to be drug addicts. Some used to be gangsters. Some still are. Most have broken families. A few already have wives and kids. Most of them have financial issues. Most of them have low qualifications, although I absolutely, strongly believe that, if they were given a chance, or if hadn't made a wrong step in their youths, they'd do better than me. I know their stories.

I kind of...can't let it go. They share their problems with me, i kinda imagined that i have a stake in them. But whenever i think of my men's issues, i'd find it overwhelming.

If i never had my men, i'd never know. Its starting to sound weird but i don't think im going to backspace anymore. I just wanted to say, like a sidenote, that a lot of people don't know how fortunate they are. But what meaning is there, if you just told this to someone who doesn't know? You need to see to believe. If you know you're fortunate, maybe you'll feel contented easier. Then maybe you'd have less of the worldly worries. And sometimes i need to remind myself also. That im fortunate.

Ok its 5.50 in the morning i should go to sleep. Thinking of my men's problems occupied too much of my brain. Made me feel tired. I need to let it go, before i can think about it again.

Its '09!

2009-01-04T20:23:00.002+08:00

I think '09's going to be good. Cos im going to have a good 1/2 a year free from the worries of the world. I hope i'd make good meaning out of the time i have before i get back to studying.

Its good to part with '08. Its been a very powerful year. If i didn't live '08, i'd have learnt a lot less. I would thank all my army frens and frens just for simply sticking around all these while, especially the Spases. I just enjoy good company. Good friends are like drugs and im so addicted. So is Cy's cute tummy. =O

My frens in army don't visit me here but well, they've been great. Its a good mix of people from all walks of life that i'd probably never get to know if not for NS. Its different being with them when we're outside having a meal. I feel entirely at ease and i feel unrestricted, being able to say things without thinking. Actually that simply means i could be quite uncivilised. Yeah. Its feels good to be like that just once in a while.

So... yeah, i'd be kicking some bad habits i've been getting from the army this year. Sounds like a good start yeah? If i actually look quite ok to you outside, that's probably becos im been quite mindful and restrained. haha... so enjoy yur '09! hope its good for you too yea?

Its time to go

2008-12-14T21:12:00.002+08:00

I feel the need to ORD getting stronger and stronger...

I really need to move on. I need to ORD now. Like right here, right now.

I'd need to carry on with my studies...and get a degree. I need to get a driving license someday. And i have so many ambitions and dreams to fulfill...but i can't do anything now...spending my days doing similar things over and over and over again.

Im still so young and ignorant and im really afraid that my energy will start depleting...there's so many things out there and im wasting my youth and strength in army. All the challenges...the glory...the satisfaction...from NS is getting stale... and its time to move on. I need to GET OUT!

I know i'd probably start to lose this urge to be somebody in years to come. Im afraid to lose all these positive energy that we have. All i can do now is to be patient. Until i get my life back.

Im still alive!

2008-12-09T20:35:00.005+08:00

Phew. I actually survived the past week.

I have had a good long break after taking leave for today even though i had a weekend office duty last Saturday - its still a 3-day break from my unit that has been, say, gripping me tightly.

Life in army has never been better since I came back from Australia. In fact, I believe even when i am 20 days away from ORD-ing, I'd still be chiongsua-ing in some dark unknown(to you) area in Singapore.

Lets just say...that I have been through a lot of physical pain and mental challenges recently. I think its really a good thing that no one i know in army reads my blog. Because im always trying to be more positive and i want to be there for my men and my colleagues (fellow sergeants) who are going through morale issues and entertaining negative thoughts.

But in the past weeks i have been kinda struggling to sort myself out - and i couldn't find the extra energy to motivate others. I'd put it this way - sometimes its so painful that i couldn't bring myself to tell others that it doesn't hurt.

But im glad i've pulled through.

From now, even with 2 mths left, i'd probably never get in the mood to entertain thoughts of ORD-ing. Becos theres really so many things coming up and they just keep coming at us. Sometimes i feel - more or less - betrayed by my unit becos my superiors insisted that the Exercise in Australia was the last.

That was never the case. The training programme is once again packed with a lot a lot of things until we can't find time to take leave. Right now, my unit owes me enough leave and offs for me to take until i can book in next year from now.

And for the many things we've done, we've never really got commended for it before. Whether its as a group of commanders, or as a platoon, or as a company, we've been winning every single challege and competitions for the past...i don't know. Six months? Large trophies fill our office, challenge shields, streamers on our Company flag, medals...but they mean nothing to others, although to us, they were weekends burnt for extra special training, and all the effort and sweat.

And in the end, since we're so competent in this and that, we get arrowed to do more things. Ridiculous. What were we fighting so hard for?

Anyway. I think i've complained enough... this blog is really a good outlet. Not bad! =)

Anyway after a good rest i shud have some new energy to bring back to camp to expend. To inject a bit of humour...have a good laugh... humour is a very powerful anti-stress medicine and painkiller in camp.

For my male frens who are/were in combat vocations...i know you can feel me. For the rest, its totally ok to me if you don't know what i was talking about. Actually i shud be sorry if i wasted yur time cos i was more of venting my frustrations - that i would otherwise be refraining - rather than just blogging.

And for my frens who already ORD... I'll be there in a jiffy! I hope?

Should i be happy?

2008-11-09T18:30:00.004+08:00

The pace of life slowed down a lot since i came back from Australia. In fact, i tink it might have stopped. 11 days off from camp and i actually spent most of my time at home.

When i think of it, i really should be happy. To be right here, right now, and not somewhere else.

1 year ago...the thought of ORD-ing never crossed my mind. I was still a trainee then, and what lies next was shrouded in a cloud of mystery, although now that i've been through it, i've found out all there was in that cloud was shit. =)

2 years ago...A lvls.

1 year from now...studying in Uni.

And my male secondary school friends who went to poly...long way to go to ORD.

But im here. Almost getting there.

Im booking in tonight but i have zero clue what am i going to do tomorrow. But what could actually make me worry? 10km? 20km? 30km? Haha...

But i don't really feel happy afterall...i guess i can't get happy on my own when there's nothing to do. Seriously, i almost died of boredom during the times i spent at home. Its weird.

Anyway, one thing's for sure - i need time to pass quickly now. Time will slow down becos im starting to count the days. I've learnt enough from the army...and i really need to move on. And hopefully find out what it takes to be happy. I definitely can't find it here.

Australia

2008-11-06T01:50:00.001+08:00

Im home!!!...for almost a week already...

Exactly one week ago at this time in Australia, i was on the plane back home. Probably more than halfway through the flight already. It felt so great then. To have been there and done that and then get back home.

Australia has some really beautiful scenery and it was such a waste that i was training. Sometimes we'd pass by the peak of a hill on the way to the objective and the view is really breathtaking - but its like not you could stop and appreciate that - or take a pic with the camera.

Well...you know the stars in Australia? Amazing. In the training area far from civilisation, its so dark at night, and the moon so bright, and you'd see thousands of stars. In open fields, you'd see stars even while looking straight. And then there're stars so big and bright, and others so faint you can only see them when you look away from it. And then you'd see the Milky Way on some nights...

And on some nights there were shooting stars. In fact on just one night, there were so many, you'd see another one before you could make a wish.

You know the kangeroos in Australia? Amazing. There are so many of them and they'd just hop around in groups in fields so big you could build another Sengkang size town there. If i were a kangeroo i'd be much happier to be there rather than to be confined in a zoo. And kangeroos never ceased to fascinate us even until the last day when we left.

You know the tncc gummies in Australia? Amazing. One packet(200g)only $2.

The training wasn't tough but it was challenging.

The nights were enduring outfield, where there're no shelter and no extra clothing to keep out the cold. On some nights it was 8 degrees...

So it was really cold and i couldn't sleep past 4am on the coldest nights. I'd get the feeling that my boots were made from ice and my toes become numb. From 4am till sunrise, its the time when my men will start getting up to walk around, and then i'd fill them in on what we're expecting for today, they'd talk about how cold it is while we're all facisnated by the 'smoke' that we breathe out, talk about how fortunate those fat ppl are to be so fat and less affected by the cold and are still sleeping soundly...and then in the end there'd always be talk about home, and the best of its local food, and its weather, and then all the other things that we'd normally take for granted seems so important now.

Mission after mission...day after day...training was long but it just had to end someday. Then we had a simple 2D1N R&R.

R&R was fun though short - we stayed in this beach resort and my room, shared with my fren, a fellow comdr, was so big it had 3 beds in it and even had the sea view. My organisation is rarely so generous, so thanks.

That night i went to the beach with a few friends and there were kangeroos just downstairs! We tried to approach them slowly but i guess they were really shy and just hopped away.

A bus would bring us around Rockhampton to Yeppon, a small seaside town, and to restaurants where meals are paid for. Most of the time its buffet-style, and the meats are so large in portions, i know i'd definitely grow as big in size as the Australians if i had stayed longer.

And then the cookies are also cheap, Australian made cookies, and cereals, potato chips, and the chocolate milk was good, ice coffee was good, lamb chops were good, and beef sausages that are bigger than your... normal sausage you have here in Singapore. Yeah.

The whole package was a once in a lifetime experience. The training...tough is tough but getting to do things an average person wun get to do...priceless. And the R&R...the food...not bad at all. It was 3 weeks of my life well-lived.

Time's up

2008-10-07T12:36:00.002+08:00

Im leaving for Australia for training today. In a few hours actually. Haha...better type faster.

Erm...i've been doing some kind of mental prep for mths...and i've packed all my stuff way before...but im still quite disappointed with myself cos i still feel very very unsettled. haha.

At the same time, i still need to encourage my men to turn up at the airport becos speaking from experience, my superiors say that men tend to go AWOL to siam overseas training. Its might just happen cos some of my men seemed quite depressed for the past weeks. After all, its not like we're going there to play.

Anyway, the most impt preparation was to go to the supermarket to buy gummies. My favourite snake gummies are actually made in australia so im going to bring them home!...

My army friends and I are looking at it as our ORD field camp cos we're almost done with our NS after this. So some motivation comes naturally. I just need little things like that to perk myself up a little.

Ok im going off now. bye!

its almost time!...

2008-09-28T18:11:00.001+08:00

ORD field camp.

Lets go.

i realised my dream

2008-09-13T16:03:00.009+08:00

...for both meanings of a dream, cos i always wanted to go back to my primary school, and i often dreamt of the school. in my dreams, i'd walk along the corridors...the field...the office...floating around.

and thanks to my classmate who somehow found me - making yesterday the most satisfying day i've lived in '08.

Apparently i've lost contact with everyone cos i was the only one who went to zhss in my class while most went to VS. And my best friend complained that i forgot to sign on her autograph book on the last day of school. And my house phone changed. And i didn't have facebook.

Yesterday was really happenning in my primary school in Lavender. There was the mid autumn festival celebrations and i guess cos the school is shifting soon, many of the ex-hong wen primary students came back. And it looked like we were the oldest ones around.

Surprisingly, there were like around 10 teachers still around! Its been 8 years! Amazing. And some teachers have been around since i was P1...

Anyway, most teachers could recognise me but couldn't figure out my name. Haha. But they would always recognise the ones that used to be naughty in class. I felt quite disappointed until my favourite chinese teacher in p5 remembered me!

Over time, i tink ard 20 ppl from my P6A class turned up. And i also had several friends in the 6B class cos i was in the B class in pri 5.

My classmates actually remembered me as someone who is good in maths! Hahah...ridiculous? And to think my maths has been a mess since secondary school. They said i used to helped others in maths. While walking around, i remembered i actually did a maths project or something that placed on the notice board! I also had essays in both languages there.

My classmates remember me as someone who played chinese chess, was very proud of himself, and very active in class! Haha... i don't remember that except for the chess part.

And that my best friend's Eileen! Hahah! I used to make fun of her all day cos she was short - but we were the shortest in class! I didn't think of her of my best friend...but now that i recall my primary school times, i think we had the most fun together.

My teachers remember me as a well behaved student! And my classmates were quick to add that "yeah, in front of teachers only..."!

Its been a long time since my name was pronounced correctly - cos hwps is kind of like a traditional cheena SAP school and my chinese teachers would pronounce my name perfectly. So do some of my classmates. Ppl tend to pronounce 'zheng' as though it was without the h or the g or both, but its definitely perfectly alright.

And we had so much fun reminiscing the past - like who bullied who...and who was the fiercest...the naughtiest...the smartest.

I feel as though hong wen primary was where life began cos any recollection before that are like blurred images. I think it even means more to me than my secondary or jc. It hasn't changed much, except for the fact that it looks smaller, perhaps becos im bigger.

When it came to sharing where we've been and how we've fared, i was the obvious underperformer. I actually ended up telling my best friend that if i could go back in time, i'd want to go back to P6 and study harder, and i think it was quite bad for someone to hear that, becos i wouldn't want to know that my classmate regretted how he/she lived his/her life.

I see my p6 self... i used to be very hardworking and inquisitive. i really let that kid down wasting his years lazing around, sleeping during lessons, not doing homework...not listening to teachers...being so blur and forgetful...wth. wasting my own time. And along the way i must have caused a lot of trouble to teachers or classmates who tried to help or have helped me. so insensible.

But the past is past...and im sure i can redeem myself.

This week is a 2-day work week.

2008-09-01T22:27:00.004+08:00

This is certainly unexpected. In fact, right now, im supposed to be digging my x(th) shellscrape in the cover of the darkness, or resting if i've already done that.

But im in the civilian realm, and so are most of my army friends and men in my unit.

Oh...i would've been thinking of laksa now. Haha. Cos its cold outside. Or a large bowl of hot porridge. In the day, i'd be thinking of ice kacang. And the bathroom. But im at home and there's no craving.

Usually gummies will do. To suppress the craving. It been a timeless drug since young. I'd always have gummies during field camp. I like snakes and worms.

Sometimes i'd be walking at this time. Sometimes i'd wish i had, temporarily, broad and oversized shoulders. Because my shoulders hurt. It hurts bad everytime we walk. When we walk, we'd walk very far. We'd carry a lot of things.

But in front of my men, and even my friends, i need to be strong, or act least act like i am. Imagine im a man and i see my commander with his shag out face, what would i think? With broad and oversized shoulders, i don't have to act, but i don't have.

Still, i have gummies.

Sometimes, i think that if i were somewhere else other than Infantry, like a non-combat clerk, I might be featured in charity shows raising money for diabetic patients already cos there wouldn't be any 'output' to the sugar content in the gummies i eat.

But im not eating gummies now. Im eating this Cadbury 'dream' white chocolate bar i bought in the afternoon. The big bar. It says here...240g. I'm almost finishing the bar already...=)

I don't think its a good idea for a sweet tooth to stay home all day. Left by myself, i'd go diabetic.

In fact im damn bored. I shouldn't be at home at all. I wouldn't have taken off randomly like this(unless on impulse, say, if my gummies ran out)...they made it compulsory. I think the ideal work-life balance is a 4 1/2 day work week. That's becos by this (monday)afternoon, I ran out of things to do already. That was when i randomly cycled around and decided to buy the bar of chocolate at a supermarket.

And i have till Wednesday night to keep myself occupied. Fortunately my army friends have thought of smth to do tgt tml. If not, i might be getting another chocolate bar. I think they're equally bored.

I really can't wait to ORD. 162 days to ORD? I remember when i came out fresh from command school, i felt that i could really wait. I wanted to experience more. But now i can't. Now i feel that i've had enough. I've been through X field camps and X outfield trainings. In fact we've been going outfield at least once a week since May, which is quite unreasonable. But at least taxpayers aren't wasting their money. Its quality training.

Hmm, you know what my greatest challenge is? Its none other than training my Chinaman, Xiao1 Jun4. You know when he first came, my OC wanted to put him as a storeman. But i saw talent in him, and i told my OC he'll be fine as an infantry
man in my section.

"i'll teach him. I can translate anything. He's a smart guy." That was what i told my OC.

Now that i think of it, im really sorry to Xiao Jun. He could have been a storeman, but he's suffering with us now. During a field camp, i told him that he could have been doing stores instead of suffering with us. I brought him into this. But guess what he said? He said it was ok. He said he sees it as a challenge in life.

In fact i once asked him if he would stay and fight for Singapore if war broke out. Intriguing eh? I bet you'd ask the same question if you had a foreign PR in your charge.

And he replied "Hui4 ah1."

Things like that keep me going.

So imagine me translating every single thing to him and answering all his queries for this chinaman who will fight for singapore. Like introducing to him the parts of the tank that we trained to fight in.

"Zhe ge hen da de qiang... ke yi yong lai she X. Wo men yong de qiang she de zi dan tai xiao, she bu chuan."

And...training my chinaman in recee-ing. Like navigation. Im also a recon commander though i wasn't meant to be a scout.

Im like listening to my scout-trained superiors and translating real-time to my chinaman cos im afraid my short-term memory may cause some impt info to be leaked out. In fact, sometimes after explaining, i'd be the one asking him questions becos the info didn't register.

Despite all that, my chinese still sucks. I 'zhe ge' and 'na ge' most of the time.

And i also need to ensure that my melayu men are communicating with my chinaman. In fact they're doing well. They're friends. Where else can you find malays communicating with chinese who don't speak english? Its great. We're a gd team.

Eventually i came to realise it isn't the passing of time that will bring me to my ORD date. Its actually the things i have to do. I can see them.

I have a picture in mind. In the picture there's me in my Long 4(green camouflage uniform) in the middle, and me in civilian clothes on one end. In between there're many walls(obstacles in its basic form to me), but there are 2 exceptionally huge and thick walls.

On the other end, there're also many walls, but these walls have holes in them, and all the shattered bricks lay around each wall. Becos in the infantry i don't think we can get around obstacles. So there's this many walls left to ram through.

And time is passive...becos its will pass on its own. The picture only has me and walls. there's no representation of time.

I'd ORD when im done with the pain.

Eight To Five

2008-08-23T22:33:00.006+08:00

Its back to school for me for the past 7 working days. I was sent to this lecture intensive course and experienced, for the first time in my life in this organisation, the 8am to 5pm life.

And i really really admire those friends of mine who are non-combatants who don't have to stay-in and get to book out everyday. Its really good life.

And I was very interested to find out if this chiongsua life i've been living could have made me become more alert and attentive during lectures. I was thinking, if it benefits me so, then at least i can finally, with pride and acheivement, tell my friends that at the very least the Army has somewhat improved me, and likely, my future studies...

...but not at all. I slept in lectures just like my JC days. =)

I remember on the first day of my course, i had just returned from a field camp which ended at around 6am, and i was running around the whole 'morning' since the previous night, only to attend lectures a few hours later. The course date was certainly well-planned.

Anyway i figured that maybe its more of the speaker and the content of the lecture and not myself that determines my attention level, but i suspect that i am just thinking this way so i can give myself more excuses to be sleeping.

There are some days that i didn't doze off at all becos the speaker was funny. And crude. I think there's no other place where you can find vulgarities and professionalism come together to draw so much interest and attention from an audience who readily accepts it.

Of course, this 8 to 5 life had to end. It couldn't have been longer becos taking MRT from Sengkang to Clementi everyday is really too challenging for me cos im always struggling to stay awake on the enduring MRT trip after sleeping at 1am every night and waking up a few hrs later.

And now im back to unit life.

[sarcasm]

And im sure glad to be back! Straight away i have a 6 and 1/2 day work week. (without considering the AHM). Its just 1/2 day away from probably the ideal work-life balance : the 7 day work week!

[/sarcasm]

national day

2008-08-17T23:25:00.000+08:00

Ah, its finally over. (for a week now.)

Being in a marching contingent in the ndp is surely one of my childhood dreams whether im in the GoH or not.

The highlight of our presence in the NDP was...don't have. There isn't cos we just stood there for an hour after forming up the 'NDP08'. From the screen we were pretty much just small green dots, but its ok. From my view, i thought i was quite proud of myself for that moment.

I was also very moved, though all i did was to look at the crowd and listen to national day songs. I'd have thought i was abnormal until my friends were sharing about the patriotism feel they had.

Yeah, when "we are Singapore" was played, i was listening. I wasn't drifted away like i usually would. And when it was the chorus again, "We are Singapore...we are Singapore..." the crowd started waving their small flags and sang along. The bright spots of lights shining at us started to extend vertically cos tears had welled up my eyes. For about 5mins, i had the 'im so ready to die for Singapore' feeling.

Not anymore now of course.

Actually, i haven't seen the whole NDP show before. On the actual day we went straight back to camp, and i wasn't at home when they replayed it. Haha. How queer. This is probably the first show i've missed in living memory and i missed it cos i was part of it!

sweating in the cold

2008-07-20T15:24:00.011+08:00

The last time that i spent one entire week in camp was, in fact, that one week in 1SIR.

Since then, there has been outfield training every week, and there's more next week. Every week ends with a NDP rehearsal on saturday, and there're times we'd have to book in on sunday night and go outfield on monday. Those less-than-24hr book outs are so treasured - trying to recover from all the muscle and shoulder ache and whole body ache, or just enjoying spending time disconnected, alone by myself.

My mother asked me if my training is less shiong nowadays. She commented with regard to the deaths of the 2 NSFs. I didn't really reply her. If i did, i would tell her that it just got tougher, but then again, i just felt it wasn't necessary.

In one of the offence missions, 2 of the men in my company collapsed en route to our objective while we were still deep in the forested area in the mandai area. They were unconscious for awhile, and one even stopped breathing. We've been walking for hours through the night...the load is unbearable for the speed we were walking - but we had to accomodate the weaker ones.

The medics were quick to revive them, and kept talking to them to keep them awake and breathing.

The 2 who collapsed weren't from my platoon but from the ones in front of us. There were voices calling for volunteers for a stretcher party. No one moved. The pleas were continuous, and finally a few moved forward. I wanted to go, but my platoon sgt stopped me cos i had to take care of my own section. After deciding that my section is still doing fine, i brought a few of my better men in my section with me and joined the stretcher party.

We carried them 4km through vegetation to the main road from where we started. It took us hours. We carried them while still in FBO(full battle order) before deciding to dump our field packs and helmets halfway through becos the weight really was wearing us down.

The rest of the company carried on. We were then told to catch up with our company, who were about 6-7km away already.

The stretcher party was led by RSM himself, and we did catch up eventually.

Before i reached, another one collapsed, and this time it was from my platoon, and in fact, my section. It was only later that i heard that it was Fitra. I still recalled asking him if he was ok. I remember he looked at me and nodded. He was also evacuated and later sent to hospital. Still, we lumbered on. The mission started at 8pm. It really felt like a nightmare through the night...1am..2am...3am...i could doze off walking, even though my shoulders really felt the pain. It only ended next morning.

A lot of thoughts went through my mind. Thinking about who came up with this idea. Thinking about something encouraging. Thinking about what my men are thinking of. I saw my men refusing to pass their load to me. I saw their pride, although they were already crying from the pain. These men are, afterall, ordinary ppl...do they really deserve this kind of training? What drives them?

Some of the men couldn't stop complaining about being here. It doesn't mean they are weak - they're just more talkative. But these are the men that i need to look out for and get them to quieten down becos of morale issues. Usually i'd tell them to save their energy for walking. Although my thoughts echo their voices, talking negatively changes nothing - or in fact could make things worse, so we can do away with that.

Deep in the night in one of the tougher defence missions, i was digging. I have been digging since there had been sun. It also rained, killing morale, and making the mud soft yet sticky - harder to remove. I have been trying to dig a 2-man trench by myself after finishing a shellscrape.

Digging to me is really playing mind games with myself. Although its a physical thing, over time i see that ppl who are more positive will finish faster in the long run. The men are also digging their trenches - though, in pairs.

I've been going over to their locations now and then to pass them some gummies i've illegally brought to this field camp to boost their morale or talk to them, encourage them, and make sure that they're working and not sleeping.

But right now, at that point in time, i felt drained. Each subsequent cut into the mud took longer than the previous one, until the momentum was lost. I put my tools down and sat by the side of my trench. In fact i was feeling helpless. I remember feeling so lonely then. My friends had their own trenches to dig and their own men to take care of, and my men are not going to come over to encourage me. Im supposed to be stronger.

The night was cold with rainwater still dripping down on me but i was still sweating.

I really felt damn weak. The longer i sat, the weaker i became, as my heartbeat slowed down. Its time to be checking on my men again. I told myself. But i wouldn't move. My strength left me and i simply lost heart in the digging. Slowly, I dozed off.

Soon i was awakened by footsteps walking over dead wet leaves that gave off a crunching sound. I saw the dark silhouette figure of my platoon sgt. Instead of rushing to grab my entrenching tools, i actually decided to stay put and admit to him that im really tired. But how could i do that? I'd behaving like my men, and not like a commander.

He approached, and then he sat next to me and began to talk to me. I really thought he would reprimand me for slacking. It really moved me. I really needed that kind of encouragement from an adult figure at that point in time. Most of the time all i get from him is pressure and work. Soon, I was back to digging again.

I finally finished my trench before sunrise. I dug 3 shellscrapes and a 2-man trench myself for that mission to give my platoon more depth and protection from the rear and flanks as suggested by my PC(platoon comdr). My men also dug extra.

Somehow through all these missions our platoon have made a name for ourselves and given due recognition.

For the past 2 weeks we've been training outfield with armoured vehicles. That's definitely more sensible than always having to walk. Its the closest i've gotten to riding on a tank - something that i had wished i could try but didn't happen when i became an infantry spec. Its really a sight to see so many armour vehicles moving together 'live'...infantrymen like me only get to see them in those wayang army videos.

Riding on it really excites me. The sound of the roaring engine and the bumpy rides and the view from the hatch and the firing of the (relatively)big guns made it quite an experience.

There're times when we'd come back from outfield training on friday night and go for the NDP rehearsal the next morning.

I wonder if you know, but the NDP rehearsal is the easiest, though the longest, marching rehearsal i've been through in the army.

We're ferried to the marina area by bus in the late morning. Lunch is always some unhealthy fried western food by SFI(Singapore Food Industries) or KFC or Pizza Hut. Same goes for dinner. Whenever we're resting, there'll always be cookies and sponge cake from SFI that we indented and brought from camp. There'll always be Magnolia ice cream that comes in excess after lunch, so sometimes i'll take 2. My sweet tooth triumphs over my rational mind.

There'll sometimes be cold desserts that come in tupperware like qing teng, and an unbelievable amt of snacks from sponsors like wang wang and calbee and old chang kee. Then there's also free flow of Mr Bean and Milo.

In the afternoon we'd do one rehearsal, before a full-dress rehearsal in the evening. We've done a few shows so far and we were given tickets, which i in turn gave my parents to watch the first NE show. I don't have the tickets for the preview and the actual NDP.

I've lost count of the number of rehearsals we've done. 30 perhaps?

In 2 of the NE shows there were primary school kids. Now that i remember, when i was Primary 5, i attended one of the show/rehearsals in the National Stadium, although i can't remember anything else other than the goodie bag.

As we march out i can see the big screens beyond the stage. I've been trying to spot myself on the screen but its quite hard. Its certainly interesting to see my own contingent turning on the big screen and, when i take my eyes off the screen, right before my eyes.

The hardest thing to do in the parade is to do nothing at all. Apart from a few simple foot and rifle drills, most of the time is spent standing still, be it at attention or at ease. It would last for an hour.

The best part of being on the platform is the surround sound. And the bass sounds from the music will vibrate the platform beneath us. Once i thought the platform was swaying. The music is really nice. There's 4 songs sang in the 4 respective languages and i especially like the tamil one.

From where i stand, all i could see is white and red colour squares and really tiny flags that'll never keep still. My eyesight could be failing. Then there's ritz carlton to my half right and the marina mandarin to my half left. I tried straining my eyes and i could see the singapore flyer and esplanade as well. Basically on the parade im just doing bo-liao things...and talking to my friend discreetly to kill time. Most of the time the camera and all eyes are on the parade commander and the GOH contingents so it should be ok.

And do you remember the primary school kids i mentioned? In the first NE show attended mostly by adults, most of them took some time to stand up to the national anthem. But the children stood up almost instantaneously when the national anthem was played.

And the children sang so heartily. I could hear them so clearly from where i stood. It was really moving. How long has it been since i heard a national anthem like this...so real and so free and voluntarily. Probably when i was a kid like them? And then do you remember the times we were actually made to sing the national anthem loudly in secondary school and JC?

And with all the jets flying...the children are just exhilarated. Non-stop screaming and jumping. Haha! I tink the teachers are going to have a hard time controlling them when the children starts to get hyper active.

Its just a pity i've haven't seen the whole show. I probably won't get to see it until after the actual one.

one week in 1SIR

2008-06-01T02:43:00.003+08:00

Telling ppl that i didn't update my blog cos i have no time is a lie. Honestly, i would if i really wanted to, but its just army army and army - im afraid its too boring.

But since Xiuyi asked, then i'd be obliged to think of something to write... (to compensate for the lie as well) but im not really sure where to start so how about you just listen to me talk about the whole week and the thoughts i went through.

I'll just tell you first that 1SIR is short for 1st Battalion, Singapore Infantry Regiment.

The week only started on a Tuesday morning at 0530. Mondays are now off days becos of the NDP rehearsals on Saturdays.

We did 5BX(basic exercises) like a daily routine before breakfast.

We had our ICCT(intermediate close combat training) grading after that. It was for both the commanders and the men.

For the grading we just had to complete all the moves that were taught to us in previous weeks. There were breakfalls...locks...release from locks...takedowns and groundfights.

It ends with a 'pu-gee-stick(?)' sparring where we have a big bolster-like weapon to whack yur partner, complete with protective gear. I thought it was a good opportunity to vent whatever anger i had then, but during the sparring all that was in my mind was whether my buddy was alright cos he like never defend properly...then his head keep on kena wack by me.

I passed the grading on the first attempt, which was quite ok.

I don't think its appropriate for me to say what i did for the rest of the day, so that's it for Tuesday. It ended on 2345. I was busy with some classified things.

Wednesday started at 0530 too, and its the same 5BX before breakfast. I wasn't pleased that some of my men weren't asleep when i went up to check on them late last night so they had to answer for it.

Not following orders is one thing but im more concerned with their well-being in light that ppl can die from heat stroke in the army cos they din have enough sleep + other factors.

We had a morning PT after breakfast - some static exercises and a run.

That was followed by a field pack inspection. Its tedious cos battle preparation is always the specialist's baby but there's so many things to pack and then we also have to check on our own men.

I lied to my PS(platoon sergeant) that all my men have everything packed correctly to avoid getting nagged by him(why you didn't check properly beforehand? did you ensure this this this?) and also protecting my men from getting punished, which is the wrong thing to do, but the right thing is just so hard to do sometimes.

The afternoon was spent on a rehearsal on offensive ops.

All the specs were given a nights off after that. Usually we'd go to Causeway Point to catch a movie but many of my bros were busy, and it'd be pointless to go alone. I had already finished what they were busy with the day before so i decided to get some men out for a jog in the night.

We ran 7k before i had to stop cos my PC needed my help with something.

The day never ended cos i finished helping him the next day at 0030. My PC appreciated the help a lot so it was worthwhile.

Thursday started at 0530 with 5BX and breakfast after that. And then a morning PT.

Then we went for the CAD(combined arms division) exhibition in our division parade square. Its not the first time i saw all these armoured vehicles and the Field Howitzer and the men didn't really seem interested.

Then we had a defence ops rehearsal in the afternoon, and had a dodgeball competition between platoons before dinner.

There wasn't anything after dinner so i went for a 15k jog ard the camp. It's good to have nothing to do sometimes but in the other times of sometimes i just can't waste time away.

The bath i had after that was a painful one cos i forgot about an open wound i had on my foot after injuring myself during dodgeball earlier in the day. Did some self-aid after that.

Did some laundry and washed my helmet after that. Had to occupy myself with things to do.

One of my weakness is that i really find it hard to put on smelly things - be it the helmet or the uniform. During outfield, I must change to a new set of uniform every night and i once had platoon mates who could survive a week without changing out. That's really powerful. They will surely survive missions where the enemy cut off our re-supply(of water and uniforms, since we don't carry too many sets of uniforms with us.) I think i'd still survive, but it'll be mentally challenging.

I had a talk with some of my men after the doing laundry.

Talking to the men sort-of exposes me to the darker side of life here.

I think we all have no idea how fortunate we are. Honestly speaking, sometimes i read other ppl's blogs and i sort-of marvel at how ppl are so concerned and affected by all the little minor things that happen to them. Ppl can tell you how fortunate you are but if you don't feel it, you don't know it.

A lot of my men have problems. Once, my men just started crying while sharing his family problems. In short, his father beats his mother up, and his mother would frequently call for him to come home. He feels miserable in camp.

I think if one doesn't have a stable family, be it army or studies, the support just isn't there and its not easy. You can chiong so much, but at the end of the day, you go back to a broken home, i think the feeling really sucks.

And then my men also commonly have financial and girlfriend problems to talk about. Honestly i myself think i am in no position to help them. But they actually think i do and that's what matters. I'd try to joke and say something positive but the solution isn't with me - all i can do is to make them feel better and provide a listening ear.

Its also a good time to find out about my men's physical health, like my Boon Ping has a nagging back problem and Zubair has a knee problem. Its impt to keep track cos i can't just bring a few men out for missions.

Then they'll reassure me: "sergeant don't worry, pain i can endure. i want to go for the mission with you." and then i'd suddenly have this damn good feeling about NS, about it being worthwhile, although the feeling would eventually die down an hour later. =)

Ok back on track.

I was the COS(company orderly sergeant) on friday so i weren't with the men the whole day. All the COS has to do is to sit in the office and make and pick up phonecalls, handle the keypress, go for cookhouse duties and flag raising/lowering. I was heavily multitasking the first half of the day cos the calls kept coming.

Saturday is the day for the NDP rehearsal.

All these while we've been doing the same thing over and over again. I saw the video of our first rehearsal and it was really good enough for a parade. But rehearsal after rehearsal its just getting perfect.

Its seems wonderful isn't it? To come out with something so precise and near-perfect with a bunch of Toms Dicks and Harrys. All the marching and drills is just the kind of things anyone can do and putting them all together - it becomes some masterpiece of its own.

When im marching in with my contingent and the music plays, i can really feel it.

I was thinking about all the ppl involved in the logistics. There's a bunch of men dedicated to getting things done all around but they're not in the parade. And yeah, their saturdays get burned just like us. I tink they deserve some recognition.

The end of the rehearsals mark the end of the week.

Rise to the occasion

2008-05-12T01:28:00.006+08:00

1SIR Bravo company. Representing the Army in this year's NDP.

When our OC(officer commanding of the company) broke the news to us, everyone had mixed feelings. I had my own reservations.

Being part of a contingent in the NDP? Wow. Kinda sounds like something you'll only get to do once in a lifetime. I've been watching every year's NDP from home for as long as i could remember. And now im set to watch it 'live' from the NDP itself.

Well the downside is that NDP rehearsals are held on Saturdays. Some of the men weren't pleased at all cos they had planned to go out with their girlfriends on friday night or on that saturday.

I believe if there's no pride in ourselves at all, then we'd start taking it negatively. We could see it like a giant arrow from 'on top' shot straight at us to burn our saturdays.

When our CO(commanding officer of the battalion) came down to talk to us - and tell us that we were chosen cos we're the best - some of the men actually gave comments like "Aiya we train so hard... do thing do till got standard...in the end so what... also can't book out?"

On top of it all, our training will not be reduced. We'd still have all the full field camps as per normal, and NDP rehearsal every saturday.

We rehearsed for 6+ hrs last saturday.

Ah, of course we're not going to be the Guard of Honour. Not the smart looking men in the white uniforms. We're wearing green. And with helmets instead of berets. Last year i was still thinking it ridiculous to wear helmets to a parade - i believe its karma.

I guess im in for some really rough times now...my weekends sia. 9th Aug. How far is that?

1/2 of spas is gone

2008-05-04T20:33:00.005+08:00

I was at T3 this morning, but im not going anywhere - just sending off four of my friends who are...going for a holiday in Taiwan!

The feeling was just weird. It started when CY's parents asked me why i didn't go together with them.

Why i never go with them? It felt as though there's no logical answer to this question. Why wouldn't I? Of cos i would. Just that i can't.

Then when they entered the Departure, i started to feel lonely. Now that's really weird. Not like they're going to be away for a year - in fact just less than a week. I'd probably see them again when i book out on the next weekend, and its not like we meet on weekdays.

But the feeling still lingers.

we're not just riflemen --

2008-05-03T02:06:00.010+08:00

We have finally finished our AIT(advanced infantry training). Whacked everything for the past 3 weeks. 10km rm(ops load), we whack. battlecourse, whack. shellscrape. 12km navigation. UO(urban ops). CO gives the mission. We'll do it.

But I remember the days didn't go by so easily. Tough times. The days were long and the pain was enduring. But im not worried abt myself.

Some of the men will keep quiet. Of these, some can take it, but some will gradually slow down, and give up.

Some of the men will be very noisy. Some will keep complaining, but some will just start talking all sorts of cock and never stop and its quiet entertaining.

How ppl take pain so differently. Shoulder pain. Leg pain. Knee pain. Everyone carries easily more than 25kg of load these days.

Nobody wants to be in infantry. Nobody wants to be riflemen. If not for having to stay back on weekends for RT,(remedial training) everyone would have chao geng and siam all the training. If not bound by military law, everyone would have left. There will be no infantry, only NSF's who do admin work, perhaps the drivers, the storemen.

Many of the riflemen are thinking of this thing called down PES. Once a riflemen is certified as not being combat fit, he will be posted out. To better places.

Its hard to convince the men to have faith in being a rifleman. Who wants to suffer? Who doesn't want an easy life? An easy 2 years? Who dun want sia. Even sergeants want.

And look at the men! Some of them put in effort in training. But they end up with injured limbs, muscle aches, even fractures. I've seen it. One of my men was so persistent in finishing his shellscrape and ended up hitting 40 degrees. As if they owed the SAF a living.

So where do i start convincing the men abt the good things of being a rifleman?...

My platoon commented to me today that they always see me smiling. Of course its fake. In the toughest times, im still smiling. I'd imagine im a rifleman and if i see my commander with that shag and pissed off face, i think i'd start entertaining negative thoughts - you know what i mean.

Yeah. Im swearing and swearing to this infantry thing all the way. We'll walk! Walk in circles! They say we'll take a detour "to avoid enemy detection". My men will ask me why are we walking a big round in marsiling. Why is the objective so far? Im swearing inside but i have to put up this garang face and tell them :

"Who cares how far we walk? Eventually we'll get there. I assure you. As long as nobody gives up, we'll get there."

There were many defining moments. Once, my chinaman Xiao Jun was supporting Fitra up a knoll as he almost fell on his side. Xiao Jun grabbed him and pulled him up, and dragged Fitra up with an arm over his neck. Nothing was said. Xiao Jun doesn't speak English.

where else on earth do you see a chinaman helping a melayu this way?

Then, there was once i raised my voice on one of my men as though i could inject some life into him. When i saw him walking slower and slower, we took a break, and he starting crying. I went over.

"why. was i too harsh?"

"No..."

"then why you cry?..."

"...my shoulder really pain..."

Look what i've done. ARGH! That's too much. that scene is unforgettable.

All along the way, we see drivers driving safety rovers and tonners. We see medics in the safety rovers. We see storemen in the tonners. We see signallers doing nothing but manning the signal set. And we'll walk. I'll start swearing again, but mindful not to show my shag face.

At the end of the mission/exercise, we'll walk back to camp. Yes! Infantry style. We operate like no vehicles exist in the SAF. I swear and swear.

We walk back to camp!

And the moment we unsling our rifles, put down our field packs and unstrap the LBV - just for awhile, i've got this feeling that im unstoppable. Just for a moment i really thought i am. And then i realise what's good about infantry.

Its nothing to do with the rifles. The equipment. Its about yurself and the people around you and the things you've gone through with them.

LOOK! you've done something you thought it was impossible. You probably weren't confident that you could do it. So what really is impossible?

Look at the men. The delight of completing the mission. How do we treasure our book outs after all that shit! Just being at home or being with friends...its fantastic.

Look at the drivers and the medics and the storemen and the signallers and the ppl who chao geng. We're larger than them! Not because of our abilities or our skills but look what we've gone through as compared to them.

Look at how we've survived as a team. See for yurself what teamwork really is. The so called teamwork we learn in school isn't that real.

So this is the real infantry! Who say infantry is about riflemen and their rifles? Who actually cares how far the sar21 can shoot or how lethal is the m203? After you ORD...is that what we take home? We take home the unstoppable feeling instead!

Its been a year.

2008-04-12T18:36:00.005+08:00

Exactly one year ago, at this time, i'd have had my first dinner in Tekong. I'd still be wondering what's going to happen, and who are these people around me who all look alike after the haircut.

Yesterday was enlistment day for some new 18 year olds. I know. I was there. I was sitting at the waiting area at the tekong jetty - in my usual smelly uniform, muddy boots and with a wet LBV strapped on. It was the last day of our field camp, and its been 10 field camps since it all began.

My whole battalion was there, and we all looked as the enlistees walk by the jetty with their family members, and they looked back at us like exhibition items. Then i suddenly felt very happy to be where i am now, to have gone through so much. I wouldn't want to think of myself back then, on the 12 apr 2007.

Keep it going.

Did i ever once said that i have a china man under me? He was posted to 1SIR after he completed his BMT(basic military training) in Tekong when my unit was transiting from our BMT phase to AIT(advanced infantry training).

He's from the fujian province. He can't speak English, although he understands a little bit of it. His father brought him over to Singapore and he was enlisted less than a year after he came.

But he makes a good soldier. He has an average build, but he's very smart and understanding. Once, i talked to him about NS, becos im afraid he wouldn't be motivated to serve in Singapore, and he told me, "jiu ba zhe liang nian dang zuo yi ge ren sheng de kao yan".

I think he's quite sociable, but the problem is i have 3 malays in my section. The malays are really active and really can talk alot of cock, and its a pity the china man can't really communicate with them. I'd always urge them to communicate using the chinese singaporeans as translators.

Actually, i have a problem communicating with him myself.

Once i was giving a personal lesson on weapon technical handling to my china man.

"Ru guo you zi dan ka zai li mian, ni jiu yao fang gei ta an quan, ba zhe ge dong xi na chu lai, ran hao la zhe ge dong xi. Ru guo zi dan bu zi dong fei chu lai, ni jiu yao yong zhe ge dong xi wa ta chu lai."

Obviously the problem is i can't say magazine in chinese, i can't say cock the weapon or pull the charging handle in chinese, nor the Ctool or SOG.

Now im learning chinese. After i "zhe ge" the smoke grenade so many times to him, he told he its called a "yan1 wu4 dan4".

During the field camp, it became even more interesting. He's so smart he learnt everything, from fire and movement to retrogade drills.

"Dang ni kan dao wo qian san ge ren chong shang qian de shi hou, ni jiu yao fa she lai yan hu wo men. Dang ta men dou pa xia qu hou, ni jiu bu guan wo zai han shen me dong xi, zhi jie chong xiang xia yi ke shu ran hou pa xia qu."

(when he see the first 3 ppl running to the next bound, you must cover fire for us. when i prone down, you just ignore what im shouting to the men, and run to the next cover and prone down.)

As we do well as a section, we also go through shit together. We'd endure distances and rain together. The first day in tekong was a full day of navigation. Initially it was so hot, 2 of my men said they feel dizzy and unwell. We took a rest, and suddenly it began to pour.

Initially i thought it was over - rain really kills off morale, but suddenly my men began to sing and make merry. Then the 2 of them told me they were feeling better, and we walked all the way for the next 2 checkpoints which totalled to 7km+, as we saw many other sections taking shelter from the rain in the vegetation, my section, queer as it sounds, kept singing at the back as i led them all the way to the end point through the rain.

It also rained heavily on the 3rd day. Once, lightning and thunder struck simultaneously - and it was such a loud bang everyone knew it was so close. Everyone instintively got down and even minutes later there were ppl who dared not move.

How harsh. The heavens not showing mercy while we're suffering. heh.

Encik's special PT

2008-04-05T17:36:00.009+08:00

I have been thinking of getting a new running shoe for months but my e-mart credit ran out last month. And now i really have a proper running shoe. For free!

On monday my CSM called a few comdrs to join him PT. We call it the 'encik's special PT' and its something i really dread. Its sick but its quality training.

Usually our CSM will claim that its 'just a short run', but it'll end up to be at least a 5km round and round the camp - mandai HILL camp, up and down - at his pace, and then some static exercises after that.

Our RSM was walking around in the mustering square when he approached us for a chat. He's around 40, but his fitness is monstrous.

Silently we pray that he's not going to bring us for his own special PT like what he did 2 weeks ago.

Awhile into the conversation, he noticed that there's a hole in my shoe.

"wah, why yur shoe liddat? why got hole one?"

"training shiong leh sir. then i no money buy shoe. Nowadays good shoe very expensive."

I was lying. Actually is not no money. Of cos money is have, but buy liao will heart pain.

"Go emart buy?"

"all my credit use finish sir"

"Hmm. How can like that? Doesn't look good in front of the men know? Come follow me to my office, i give you my old shoe."

And that's how i got a pair of red asics shoe. It happens to fit quite nicely, although the soles are quite worn off. My CSM was surprised.

"Wa he so good gave you this shoe? I thought he will give you the normal NB SAF shoe. its 100+ leh."

Unbelievable!

Maybe its because i've never put my feet into shoes worth more than $50 before, but the asics shoe really makes running so much comfortable and easier.

Now i still wear my NB shoes around actually. heh. got sentimental value. had it since i was a recruit. I guess i'd only use the asics one when i really need it. for example?

Encik's special PT.

zw turns foul

2008-03-30T12:33:00.013+08:00

its the AIT(advanced infantry training) phase now and as we go through whatever A phase or B phase we just have to acknowledge the fact that army life is still army life and life never gets better.

But the men will not understand.

Few days ago my CSM caught a few of my men sleeping during lectures on weapon technical handling and i was called to his office.

"Zheng Wen, have you been checking on your men? Why are they sleeping in the lecture? Did you ensure that they stick to the lights off timing?"

Kenna sabo by my own men.

Soon after, i reminded the platoon to "adhere to the lights off timing strictly" after the last parade.

That was monday night. In my own bunk, i told myself to stay awake, and finally i got up at 10.35pm, 5mins after the lights off timing, and went to check on the men.

When i entered section 3(my section), one of my men was still using his handphone. I slowly walked to his bed.

"Eh...sergeant come already. Cannot talk liao. ...really lah! ok? bye!"

I told him off in quite a vulgar manner. still have the cheek to talk somemore even when he see me.

I entered section 2 and 2 ppl were still walking around. Ppl are starting to think army orders are a joke.

Finally section 1, lagi best. 2 ppl eating instant noodle inside the bunk in the dark. I lost my patience.

I went back to bed, and i believe i returned with a much higher blood pressure than what was before i left. I really hate to do this kind of thing. Like some evil character breaking up couples from talking over the phone.

Am i catching them just becos im afraid to be reprimanded by my CSM? Or do i really care for them and want them to learn and not fall asleep? I think its the former. Im not that wei3 da4.

Indeed, the next day, most of those that i caught not sleeping on time were sleeping during lectures, and during practices they have no idea wtf is going on. Stripping, assembling, IA drills, loading unloading.... I see my friends losing patience over those blur cocks, and i see those that are willing to learn getting less attention becos we need to teach those cocksters all over again.

Every night i reminded them to sleep on time.

Tues night, I struggled to stay awake as usual, did my rounds, and caught the same few ppl.

Wednesday, i overheard one of my men, saying

"Aiya, scared what? sergeant catch me so many time liao...the most also kena scolding... also never kena confine..."

Sigh.

Wed night, the third time i caught him still walking around the bunk late into the night. I told him to fall in FBO(full battle order). And slammed the door behind me. It was 11pm.

I made him run round the parade square in his FBO. I guess i really lost my patience then. It is illegal. It is the wrong thing to do, later as i thought about it, becos it will only make him more tired, right?

I went to bed with heightened blood pressure and i thought i really turned bad. Talk nicely never seem to work.

thursday night i reluctantly checked on them again and i really didn't want to get angry anymore. its sickening and tiring. then i saw all my men sleeping soundly. It was very satisfying. I guess the men heard of the FBO incident from one another and aren't so daring now.

Somehow, im slowly being convinced by my men that learning can only work the hard way. I really wish talking and explaining the rationale of doing things will work.

Then, there's so much things to do besides ensuring the men sleep on time. There's so many reasons to get angry, like insubordination, attitude problems, selfishness, not marching properly, not falling in on time...no wonder some sergeants were sort of like permanently angry when i was a recruit.

I keep reminding myself, don't get angry, don't get angry, talk nicely. don't spoil your own mood. when will they ever learn?

Have bike, will cycle.

2008-03-21T20:18:00.004+08:00

My recruits POP-ed, and now im on block leave since tues evening.

And i played dota all day and all night with Edwin-The-Poly-Grad-Who-Has-Nothing-Better-To-Do, but still it wasn't satisfying. BLOCK LEAVE FROM THE ARMY! Why am i spending such quality free time playing DOTA?

I even have time to make a new blog skin.

When Edwin stopped playing dota with me last night cos he had to go out - and the house was empty, boredom hit the ceiling. Then I thought of cycling to some far away place and take some photos along the way. I grabbed my bike and left.

I left sengkang at 8.30pm. Initially i was afraid it would rain...but i couldn't possibly turn back knowing that there's nth to do at home.

I cycled through yio chu kang road to Yishun. It's so much more alive than Sengkang...although i was there 1hr later into the night.

I took a short cut which isn't that short to admiralty and then to woodlands. Bought a drink and took a break there. It was 10+ already. Shops were closing, and i hoped that there are 24-hr stores along the way cos i didn't bring any water with me.

I was somewhere near the woodlands checkpoint, and i saw the long queue of trucks and other goods-carrying vehicles all the way from kranji to the mandai area. At one point i was at the mandai road/choa chu kang T-junction near my camp, but i didn't bring my camp pass. I think my friend would be surprised to see me(with a bike)if i went in...lol. I was supposed to be doing COS duty yesterday, but he kena extra and took over my duty.

I was standing on the train tracks and a car sped past when i took the btm right pic. I got lost somewhere in choa chu kang and i was starting to get tired. It was ard 12, and i took another break.

Finding the town centre at CCK was one thing - getting out of cck is another. And the only clue i had is to follow the MRT tracks towards Jurong East. Then on the way, the mrt went into a tunnel. -.-"

Lady luck shines and i found my way past gombak to bukit batok.

I continued south to jurong, and at a junction i had to decide whether i should head east back home or i carry on to the end? I think my sleepiness disorientated my thinking then as i eventually chose to turn right.

Cheers! Felt great when i saw it at lakeside MRT. The previous convinience store at chinese garden MRT closes at 11pm.

It was one straight road down to boon lay. By then i couldn't entertain thoughts about going anywhere else...i could have cycled to changi to make one round around Singapore, but i was so tired - my bed was the only thing on my mind.

Back to jurong.

Cycled past the clementi fire station where vincent is spending the nx 1 yr of his NS life.

Followed the green line all the way...to Outram park. Twice when i dozed off while cycling, the bike slowly leaned to the right and i immediately jerked upright. Amazing reflexes. lol. Saved me from falling into the drain.

I should have headed home from outram but i cycled to harbourfront anyway. There were so many ppl coming out of st james and so many taxis. And then there was a traffic police road block not far off along the way to the cbd area.

From then on i took the NEL home. Yeah. The NEL above ground. It was ard 4am already. I gave up cycling on the bumpy pedestration walkway and took the main road instead, since there isn't much traffic. Reached home at 5+am.

I think next time i'll cycle in the morning? nothing much to see in singapore at night.

09 mar 08

2008-03-09T09:35:00.003+08:00

wow. time flies! Its March.

So many things have happened at such a fast pace and it feels like several mths since i last came here.

1SIR is definitely much more happening as compared to where i used to belong as a trainee. There's something new everyday.

I remember on the first day of their recruits 8d7n field camp, i was still in camp with one of my recruits, recruit R. He was scheduled to attend a hearing in court for offences he had committed before he entered the army. And then my OC had me to accompany him there.

Although i've seen the exterior like 89714931 times on TV, its the first time i've been there. inside, the dull colours made it looked bland and old, and now and then there're people in black western suits walking around - lawyers i presume.

The courtroom(?) i was in resembled a lecture theatre very much, less the upward sloping seats for students, whilst the judge's seat was high up.

The lawyers spoke so fast. Before i knew it, it was over and my recruit was sentenced to 3 weeks remand in jail. I had to report that to several superiors, clarify certain things with the lawyer because i didn't hear what the judge said when he sentenced my recruit before heading back to camp.

what a weird experience that was.

Towards the end of the field camp most of the commanders had sore throat. I think its pretty instinctive to shout at recruits whenever they fire at their own buddies, or cross their section mates' line of fire, although its blanks that they're using. Its really an eye opener to see how much common sense has been lacking these days.

For one, they'd like to prone like 20cm away to the side of huge tree trunks that can provide cover from enemy fire repeatly after being told more than 5 times, and i believe by then its really, no matter how hard i try, quite impossible to hold myself back any longer.

Of course there were several other issues with the recruits' performance but i guess its not worth to throw up blood while trying to recall all of them.

When it was shellscrape digging time, one of my favorite recruits complained of feeling ill. But i insisted that he dig finish the shellscrape, because he was potentially the company best, and i didn't want him to miss anything. After he was done, i totally forgot about him being ill. As he complained again, i went to feel his forehead - and...omg.

I ran to fetch the medic. He was down with fever at 40.smth degrees. He was rushed to the medical centre, and i sat down and thought about it, and i really regretted making him dig the shellscrape. How am i to answer if something happened to him.

Days later, his fever never went down, and i was told to accompany him to CGH via a harbourlaunch and ambulance from Tekong.

Whilst on the boat, i was looking at the bag of IV drip connected to his bloodstream. I was surprised to see it, drip by drip - it became empty. I looked at the medic, looked at the IV drip bag, and looked at him again.

As the IV solution depleted, the blood began to backflow towards the IV drip bag. What a sight. Im not brave in the face of blood. It felt gross. My recruit kept glancing at the tube - the blood was dark, and increasingly the length of the tube was filled with it.

I was sitting opposite him, and then i stood up, and sat beside him, wondering what should i say.

"That's your blood. You scared of blood?"

He nodded.

"Dun worry la. Abit only. If not enough, later i donate to you."

Later when the medic replaced the bag of IV drip bag, he had to cut the tube and he failed to catch it. All the blood spilled on the floor as the tube hit the ground. EEWW.

Yet another weird experience.

Back in camp, we were quite shag out by the field camp and we sat at the office, talking about what right we had to ill treat and punish and scold recruits. Afterall most of us - the junior comdrs - used to be JC students, but here the recruits see some of us as devils and madmen.

That really ignites many many thought processes but i try not to think so much sometimes.

What is my approach? Should I care about their discipline so much? Im just an NSF, not a regular...do i have to bother about so many things? What is the appropriate punishment if he did this? Why did i get so angry?

Thinking too much really slows us down. And we've kept going on since then. I believe in doing my job well and everything else dats required of me. When i was a trainee i wondered why do our superiors have to do this and that to us but now, all my questions have been answered.

Its for their own good.

Now all this while we've got recruits who awol-ed via the FENCE, which is really damn pwr - i never thought it was possible when i look at the fence. Its really high and has a V-shaped barbed wire above it. That recruit was found with many cuts over his body when he was caught.

Then on one of the more peaceful days there was a recruit who suddenly ran towards the gate and banged onto it.

Insubordination is pretty common nowadays. Recruits getting charged. What was uncommon was that there was a spec in Alpha who looked like he'll never get angry that kind, getting charged for hitting a recruit. Usually such things get covered up but he was just unlucky that our CO and RSM was around when it happened.

Then there's this terrorist who escaped? This place has no lack of sabo-kias. Because of one guy, so many people can get activated. Probably even more powerful than my Div comdr. Now, even 3SGs do guard duty with recruits. Its like an overkill. Its like getting CSM to be guard comdrs, RSM to be BOS, and generals to be CDSO.

When there's news that the pwrful one could be in the mandai area, my camp parade square was filled with special ops vehicles, tonners, police cars and vans and scdf vehicles in hours.

We were discussing about why 1SIR wasn't activated to go outside of the camp to search for him, and we agreed that if we did, we would be spending more time searching for recruits who took the chance to AWOL or who horlanded(lost their way).

Eventful days. I consider myself lucky to be at home. For awhile.

10 feb 08

2008-02-10T00:42:00.000+08:00

Its CNY AGAIN! Every yearly festival is like a proof of how time flies isn't it?

In the last few hrs of the eve of CNY i was somewhere out there in Chinatown with my parents. We were a distance from the stage and the crowd was overwhelming.

Previously on our way there, there was so much pushing and squeezing that a group of ppl about 15m away from us fell like dominos in the crowd...which caused quite a commotion. My hands were by my side all along whilst being nudged from all sides. ('nudge', im sure, is a very polite word to describe all that pushing)

Fireworks lit up the night sky when the countdown hit 0, and we always find them beautiful but i was wondering why, since we can see them in videos and photos, and then i figured that the atmosphere down there and the occasion made all the difference and made it special.

The end of the fireworks was followed by the sounds of many blasting fireworks and i could feel my eardrums thumping inside.

The night after that, i was somewhere in the midst of a very crowded chun dao he pan.

I don't really believe in all the horoscope and this and that but for the sake of fufilling my curiousity i just had to take a look at the prospects for the Dragon in the Year of the Rat.

Career prospects was first on top, and the 2nd sentence read: "Do not argue with your boss. blahblahblah."

Great!

I don't really remember what i read that night but the general idea i got was that everything - career, wealth, love and health -- nothing is good. Everything that they had to say about the Dragon is bad. (nobody would want to believe it now. lol)And maybe its true! Less the health part, how can i get anything good out of the other three whilst serving NS?

Probably the best i can do is to make sure i dun fall sick or get injured from some stupid reason.

Oh. its 10th feb already. This. IS. 1 YEAR and 1 DAY from my ORD! (I will ORD on 11th feb 09.)

Freedom. is. nearing!

Its like i entered a small dark tunnel and walked and walked and walked and finally i see some light. (Er...sounds weird.)

10mths minus 2 days ago, i remember, i was at the SFT at changi in the morning(SAF Ferry Terminal). That was a milestone in my life. My brain, by default, presents myself an image of that place whenever the word 'enlistment' is mentioned. I was there, with hair, in a black shirt and jeans, with my parents and grandma.

I guess i was pretty emotionless that day - there was no reason to feel sad or whatsoever because i've been mentally preparing myself anyway and i knew it had to come. But there was no reason to be happy either. (duh)

What i didn't mentally prepare myself well enough was - i never thought 1yr10mths wouldn't be forever, i never thought it would end.

But now i can see it.

26 jan 2008

2008-01-26T20:09:00.000+08:00

Today, i got a last minute arrow to stay back on the afternoon for a 6km Route march remedial training. Only 2 out of 16 specs had to stay back.

I told them i had to go out with my friends for a movie but they said they were going out with their girlfriends.

I told them i also have guard duty tml(sunday), but they said they were going out with their girlfriends.

I resigned to my fate before the conversation turned to a heated one where ppl start comparing who did the least work. Was it the right thing to do? I really felt so stupid after that...really wanted to bang my head against the wall.

Hmm...maybe i should have kept quiet or fight for my myself...cos i really felt so sore after that...and damn i still feeling sore now. Unless i can tong all the duties without any complaints...i shouldn't find myself doing this kind of things time and time again.

Had to wait for CH to call me then i can tell them i cmi for the movie sia. I dunno how to explain to CY.

Why why why...can't seem to handle my own problems nowadays. If only there's some way to discharge all the negative thoughts and feelings...cos since i say i do already...and there's no way to reverse it...im still mentally torturing myself for other's selfishness sia...might as well forget it?

In the meantime, i really should read a book on how to make my heart grow bigger.

13 jan 07

2008-01-13T18:12:00.000+08:00

I used to think that 16 new specs for an infantry company of 100 men is kind of like an overkill. One spec to 7 men.

Besides the 16 section comdrs, there's also 3 platoon sergeants and 3 platoon comdrs.

No one would have dreamed of a shortage of manpower.

Then it all started when 3 of my friends(new specs) went for their GPMG(general purpose machine gun) course for 3 wks. Another went to be ATEC umpires with my PC. Then, on alternate days, there would be 4-5 specs on guard duty. Concurrently, some of my friends would be taking off for various reasons, as compensation for doing weekend duties. And there'd be one spec down for COS duty everyday.

Take out a few more specs for admin work and handling of stores and armskote, i'd find myself doing multiple CDS(company duty sergeant) duties alone with 100 men. Before i could even worry about meeting timings and crowd control, i was already having headaches accounting for strength. Some ppl just stupidly/stubbornly like to disappear to the medical centre or go toilet without telling anyone, even though we have already made an example out of those who've done so.

Surprisingly, there's comments spreading amongst the recruits that the sergeants "Sleep more than us, eat more than us, but work less than us." When these comments surfaced, i totally lost my patience with the men. That really hurt the specialists' pride.

The men like to compare. There's no way to convince them better than to show them we are better than them. I do more pull ups than them. Carry heavier dumb bells during strength training. Lap them as many times as possible in speed training. I come down earlier than their fall in timings. Boots kiwi shinier than them. Obviously we're better than them; its strange that we need to actually prove it. But they appreciate it when we do.

Now that i think about it, when i was a recruit, i used to think about the competency of my sergeants. Some looked fat to me. When we're breathing like dragons on the last 500m of our 2.4km, and you've got a fat sergeant shouting "ALL THE WAY!" - its not going to work. Thoughts like "can you do better?" will start flooding my mind.

Alternatively, you've got a sergeant whom you have seen run a 2.4km in 9mins. Its the same words he's going to say - but it will carry so much more weight - you'd actually listen to him.

------------------------------------

I think there's generally two types of men for all mono intakes- the chaotic and rebellious ones, and the quiet, blur and sian-face ones.

You could actually group them physically - those who have tattoos and/or smokes, and/or were drug abusers versus those who don't.

honestly i rather have those with tattoos. training men who keep quiet is really too boring...although they'd listen to instructions. And although i used to be a quiet recruit also...... -.-)z

But now no choice. Sergeant means must know how to talk cock. must know how to
SHOUT. must be passionate and forceful.

Being with those chaotic ppl is damn fun. They are loud and vibrant and get high easily. The only problem is discipline. Education levels aside, i think any chaotic and energetic person can be leaders as long as they discipline themselves at appropriate times. Even things like leadership...army wise, its easy to nurture. Afterall...i never thought i would be a leader when i first started out.

I thought i would end up being a driver. Most of my friends who made it shared the same sentiments too.

Come to think of it, the men are controlling us! Most of the things we do, we do it for their own good. They can make us happy...or make us angry. Hopefully none of them have psychic mind control powers. Oh yeah - and they keep offering me cigarettes, telling me to smoke with them. I know many ppl pick up smoking just like that. -.- I looked at their cigarette packs that are controlled by us - pictures of gum diseases...blood clots...nose cancer...wtf? I told them i'd rather have snake gummies.

06 jan 07

2008-01-06T11:50:00.000+08:00

For a recruit, standing still in smart 4 attire with his 11B in his pocket in the CSM office is probably going to give him nightmares for at least a mth. For me and my friends, it feels like "oh? someone gonna get charged again?"

Things are getting out of hand. Recently there's been many many many cases of insubordination and non-compliance of general orders cases. Not eating the medicine prescribed by the MO (Medical Officer) is also considered as non-compliance of general orders. And its serious cos some ppl don't want to recover so that they can chao geng more. But they never think that they may spread their sickness to their buddies and bunk mates who otherwise want to be fit and well.

Fucking selfish?

Talk about getting charged - when a person is about to get charged, he will report to his PC/OC/CSM in smart 4(uniform) attire and his 11B(SAF identification card). Yesterday i found myself with my friend and a recruit in our CSM's office. That recruit was defiant, shouted at my friend. I was there at the scene when it happened. Its good to be around when such things happen in case it got physical.

After a long scolding and questioning in the office, my CSM showed the recruit the BOOK. That BOOK shows the precise punishment a recruit should receive for whatever he's done wrong. Its like a SAF law book.

The next moment, the recruit walked out of the CSM office, and was given a short one-day confinement.

Soon I heard that there was word spreading amongst the recruits that the sergeants will never mean what they say when they threaten to charge them. It made them more bolder than before.

I wonder if that recruit knew that I was the one who pleaded for him. I was wondering if what i did was right. (i believe im wrong now) Giving someone a punishment actually has many many implications.

The first level is to punish him for the mistake itself. I tink a commander shouldn't be affected by the barrier that "hey, its ok. Its human to err. They're recruits but they're also human" because it also serves as a reminder that he shouldn't repeat the same mistake. It also ensures fairness because if you let him off now, the previous guy who got punished for the same mistake will make a big hoo-ha out of it. Then there'll be a problem with the next guy. More importantly it also injects fear into the rest who haven't made that mistake. I tink the fear of punishment grips one much more tighter than his own level of discipline can - if you know what i mean.

How much punishment? If its too little, they'd think that they can afford to do it again. If its too much, you will kill off the morale of the men and spoil their day, and potentially get yurself into trouble.

Punish who? If punish everyone for one person's mistake, ppl will feel unfair. But it will make them look out for one another and remind one another...because most ppl are selfish in nature and don't look out for others. This is when the team spirit comes in also.

I believe all commanders have a common dilemma when it comes to enforcing discipline. Sometimes me and my friends actually discuss how to punish them beforehand. To the recruits its just doing push ups, but to us its more than that - sometimes quite a headache.

I have stopped thinking so much though. I think i self-injected passion into myself by drilling the desire to train the platoon to be the most disciplined and physically fit into my brain. If i start off like this i know i won't go wrong. Whatever i do must lead to the end result of discipline and fitness.

If i had this direction from the start - it might sound cold - but i would never had pleaded for that recruit.

05 jan 07

2008-01-06T00:10:00.000+08:00

Within ourselves we emphasise so much on safety... but when we used to complain that the plates and cups and utensils weren't washed properly... i tink the msg didn't go through.

http://www.todayonline.com/articles/230598.asp

01 jan 08

2008-01-01T00:32:00.000+08:00

Happy New Year!

As im typing this, im actually thinking of people. CH in tekong doing COS duty. And some of my friends in the mandai hill guardhouse or doing sentry. What a way to spend the new year. =/

And then im thinking about ppl getting extras for writing 010107 for the date when they sign the book in/book out today. Things like that always happens. Or they can do the same when they sign in/out the armskote, at the guard house, or report sick books or signing keypress books. Then i rmb im the COS tml! Alright! I'd probably be going "Oei...its 2008" the whole day when ppl start filling the dates in the books under my charge.

I din know the big grass patch near my house is so happening today until the last 30mins of 2007. I just entered my house at 11.30pm, which was empty, when my parents msged me they were near that grass patch. I met up with my parents there, and when i reached there Hady Mirza was performing on stage under a huge white makeshift tent(?).

This is actually the first time in my living memory that i counted down outside from home, albeit only 5mins away...O.o

And then there were fireworks. In the heartlands! wow. I've never watched fireworks so close-up before... they were less than 100m away from the crowd.

I was thinking that its perhaps possible to 'backtrack' a year. at ard 10pm, Australia was already in 08. Maybe in the future there'll be a supersonic passenger jet that can take one from Aus to Singapore in 1 hour. Wow. Depart at 08 and arrive in 07. And then rush down to marina bay and celebrate new year again!

Then jet to America and again!

Im thinking that i'd be wanting to get something else out of this year. Every year i'd want something good acadamically and as if that will happen without studying - but this year its all about army and weekends out with friends. (Damn...what about Brunei?) There used to be a stark contrast between weekdays and weekends last year - but life does get a little easier. I know because time seems to pass faster nowadays.

And now i recall the UIP(unit induction programme) commanders training in the first weeks in 1SIR...dat was really a deep deep trough in my life's ups and downs.

Then im thinking of one of my men in my platoon who's probably alone sleeping in the bunk now. He shouldn't be in camp. He shud be with his wife and their 2 year old baby now. He's younger than me though. He was promising - but he was too rash. He was charged for insubordination for what he did to one of the PCs and i witnessed it. I wonder how he's gonna live with the SOL (confinement).

Imagine me and my friends harbouring thoughts that its our fault that we've failed to enforce discipline in our platoon. We were discussing it. Afterall, we're just a bunch of fresh graduates from sispec, and we're not regulars. My platoon is undisputedly the most welfare platoon in Bravo company, and probably in the whole battalion too. This translates into being ill-disciplined. Our PC was furious when he learnt about the insubordination case, and he regretted treating the guys too good as well.

I think the rheotorical question "we treat you too well IS IT? WHY (this and that?)" that we ask our men is overused in our platoon. Some can't seem to appreciate this...like we give them respect but they don't return it. Its usually the other round you see.

wow. as im typing this there's this very little girl saying repeated 'hey! hey!' to me from outside while grabbing onto the gate. I 'hey-ed' her back...lol. That's my new neighbour. I was reading this article in the Straits Times in camp last week about a recent surge in demand for HDB flats in places like Sengkang. When i booked out, i saw the opposite unit in renovation.

Come to think of it, i've haven't had a neighbour for 7 YEARS!

This reminds me of my old house. I used to live in a 3 room flat in Bendemeer, near Boon Keng MRT. We used to be very close to our neighbours. I can say that i was a latchkey kid since primary school, just always forgetting about the key. And that makes a very bad latchkey kid. Then i'd always seek refuge in my neighbour's house while waiting for my parents to come back - because back then handphones weren't common.

Excluding last year's, the past new years were always full of worries, hope and anxiety. Worrying about unfinished homework, hoping that they teachers somehow wouldn't find out or collect, and of course feeling anxious about going back to school(with unfinished homework). There wasn't a year where i've finished this so-called holiday homework, which are usually measured in tons.

Last year's new year came as a reminder that NS is approaching. Nothing special for this year's. Oh there is? We're all turning 20. We could actually say things like "Stop treating me like a kid! im already in my 20s!" We spases shud teach xy to say it with confidence and jurisdiction in front of you-know-who?

Ah, time to book in. Its almost 6.30pm now... I actually typed these random crap over a 15hr period...but the time was mostly spent on playing dota and sleeping in between. Time spent outside camp is precious time yeah? I'd only blog when there's spare time while waiting for the game to start. lol.

25 dec 07

2007-12-25T18:08:00.000+08:00

Christmas. While my battalion was celebrating christmas in the cookhouse with external performances and lucky draws, i was on guard duty in the camp.

No double pay.

I heard that i missed out on alot of fun. Christmas almost felt like just another day, if not for the spases. All 9 were present. What a historic moment!!! I thought it wouldn't work out initially. I almost got arrowed for guard duty on the 25th itself also. Fortunately some friends took a secret deal from my CSM. Ah, secrets.

Duties duties duties. Challenges. Pressure. Stress. Arrowing. Being a leader is so much more than being a trainee. And its interesting. Its supposed to be tougher, but i'd say that we're more concerned about other things that we don't realise it.

I really like my men. My friends all say i look much happier nowadays. Its an overwhelming satisfaction when i make my men happy. I tink maybe the camp is such a sad place that simple jokes and motivating words and army singing can really raise their morale.

Punishing them its really not my style. But there has to be ppl to do it to enforce discipline. Talk about my CSM(company sergeant major). Once, one of the men did an act of insubordination to one of my friends in another platoon. We had expected things like this to happen because most of the men are afterall, ang kong(tattoo) siao hokkien pengs.

The next moment, that recruit found himself in the office with the CSM. I was there doing admin work. It was only 10mins that rebellious recruit with tattoos of dragons over his arm started crying. That's how powerful my CSM is.

Thanks to him, the recruits are more polite and disciplined. But in the long run, i hope that they do not do so purely out of fear.

19 dec 07

2007-12-19T22:10:00.000+08:00

Life changed for the better since the 13th mono enlisted.

They came in with long and dyed hair, and tattoos of dragons and tigers and goddesses on their arms and backs. 14th Dec was the day and from then, we'll train them from recruits to infantry men, and unlike Tekong which takes in the more educated ones and then post them out to other vocations.

I remember it was the 3rd day i was quite traumatised(?). By my own buddies, actually. Suddenly that mad man shouting and punishing the whole lot of recruits were the same ppl i used to joke and spent tough times with. When the recruits got up on their feets, 1 of my men suddenly puked, followed by 6 others. Gosh. It shouldn't have happened. I feel for them.

Perhaps it was that incident that made me become very patient with them. Simple things like teaching my own platoon how to do drills. It was immensely satisfying when their steps synchronised. And when they could wheel properly. I believe they were interested to learn they kept asking questions and wanted me to teach them despite given water and toilet breaks. It made me feel so proud of myself.

But at the same time, my friends never got any patient with them. I could say that they resembled my platoon sgts when i was in BMT.

My men have many problems. In an interview form, many of them checked the YES box in reply to questions like "Does your family quarrel often?" , "Do you or your family have serious financial problems?" , "Have you taken drugs?". Many a few refused to give the names of their parents as their next of kin despite what was required. Instead they gave the names of their aunts, siblings, or grandparents, because they said they've never talked to their parents. Or they hate them.

Some of them don't have handphones.

Almost all of them smoke.

But i feel that they are very sincere and honest on many instances.

I've yet to really know them well actually. But i know they're still ill-disciplined. There's only one way to learn it - the hard way - and i hope im not going to be the one doing it.

09 dec 07

2007-12-09T18:15:00.001+08:00

Im still feeling miserable. In the rain in the night in a forest in my hole i dug and in my cold and smelly uniform. The raindrops woke me up from my dreams...and i'd only dream of booking out and spending weekends with my friends... eating char kway teow...catching a movie... the reality was the nightmare.

I find myself surrounded by ppl our age who chose to sign on as regulars to be an infantry spec...and so they got posted to this unit too. They're either passionate or foolish if they're not - for they signed on for the wrong reasons. We NSFs just want to ORD. Take out the uniform, we're also civilians. How does the uniform make us stronger and more motivated?

I wish someone could tell me how many more times i need to prove that i can carry X Kg of load and walk X km? We keep doing it again and again. I don't want to every week book in to camp in one piece and book out with blisters and cuts. Every sunday night... the bus ride to camp sucks. The walk to the camp gate sucks.

I can joke about anything in camp but in the heat of training...humour doesn't really help...nothing works. I can't be optimistic doing something i can't justify...as least while i was in SISPEC, i had to put myself through those hardship to pass out from the course.

oh gosh. its time to book in again. And this time i won't be out for quite awhile.

02 dec 07

2007-12-02T16:36:00.000+08:00

Actually, I got posted to a battalion.

I guess its really hard to detect sarcasm from words. But Ch and Cy really know me well. heh.

The battalion im in is 1SIR...or the 1st Singapore Infantry Regiment. The past week was really shit. I wasted one week in my new unit wishing i weren't there at all. But its all my own fault. When i was still in SISPEC i kept telling myself and expected that life would get better after i graduate. But i was wrong - which explains the disappointment.

Some interesting things happened though. I met and talked to the new specs in the support company of my battalion and found out that 2 of them were Dave Teo's guard commanders. I saw the spot where Dave Teo jumped out of the camp with a rifle. (Yes, Dave Teo was from 1SIR.) And I cracked a joke with the Brigade Commander of my 2SIB despite him being a Colonel? But i wasn't reprimanded for that of course.

And...i am assigned to be a 84mm RR section commander in Bravo company. From now till i finish my reservist some donkey years later? The weapon that i'd be carrying is just a very small and very light tube that fires rounds that are 8.4cm in diameter. What luck!

I don't know how to use that weapon, so i still have to go for course early next year. And its free of charge! How nice. SAF providing me with free upgrade of skills!

25 nov 07

2007-11-25T22:12:00.000+08:00

Oh and i actually got posted to HQ NCC! wow. this is definitely the best posting. Im not so sure what im going to have to do, but i heard that the working hours are 8-5, and on some days, 8-12 noon!

I can't believe it - i wouldn't have any faith left that i could be lucky for once afterall otherwise.

The ppl who weren't lucky at all are those got posted to battalion or to Guards. Oh well. Life sucks?

Those who are not as lucky got posted to BMTC. Abt 3/4 of the ppl i know outside my section got posted there? Lets hope they'd treat the recruits with respect? We really shouldn't forget how we were ill-treated when we were recruits.

24 nov 07

2007-11-24T17:49:00.000+08:00

I finally graduated from SISPEC yesterday. I wasn't sure if i was happy or sad, although i had to smile while taking photos, because afterall i probably wouldn't see most of my buddies again.

(I suddenly had a feeling that someone will ask whats SISPEC... It stands for School of Infantry Specialists)

My father took a few videos of the parade, but then i realised that from the spectator's view, everyone looks the same, every contingent looks the same, and every parade looks like any other parade, and the kekiri tuka didn't look as impressive as i thought despite taking 500+ ppl like 10hrs to master?

But from my view, i was filled with pride, as if everyone was here to grace my parade. I wonder if anyone could see that we were mumbling to each other throughout the parade...cos it was quite boring standing still. How I wished my eyesight was as good as it used to be...becos the topic was mostly on how someone spotted this chiobu on the 7th row from top and 5th from left and that chiobu wearing a shirt with white and purple stripes...i couldn't see clearly from that distance.

The parade was almost over when our parents were invited to put the chevrons on for us. Then our parents started taking photos... im sure all of them are proud of their sons in that moment. My father helped to take photos of me and my section mates. Photos of those wayang and selfish bastaards were filtered out. Who needs bad memories! lol! only the best!

My mother puts a chevron on my right...

And my father puts the other on my left.

My grandma.

these sa diao (3 stripes) didn't come easy!

Cj with his terrorist pose

POP lo!

With our OC.

With our PC.

17 nov 07

2007-11-17T10:48:00.000+08:00

I came back from Taiwan last week.

The R&R was fun. We were brought to a number of tourist attractions there - and the tour was paid for.

We went to 3 theme parks in the first 2 days. Some of rides were insane. The first i took, i remember, was called UFO in the Aborigine Village. It brought us vertically upwards, and i remember then, that the view was fantastic, but at the same time, my balls kept shrinking as the thing ascended, until it was really high. My heart stopped when as it stopped ascending.

2 seconds later, we were released from that height and i remember it felt like all my organs when into my head and my balls stuck at my throat. We fell so quickly, the hills beyond and the sky looked like they formed straight vertical lines in a split second, and then as quickly, it slowed down and i was back from where i started.

Me and my buddies later all agreed that we might have all fainted if that took 2 more seconds.

There was also many other rides that we took in 2 other theme parks. Good that i had the courage to try the really crazy ones...becos im sure i'd regret it now if i didn't.

The nights were free and easy, and our hotel was in central Taipei. We went to Shi4 lin2 on the 2nd night and Xi men ding on the 3rd.

Everyone thought that the Taiwanese girls were really really pretty. I agreed. Then maybe its because we had already spent so long in the forests and hills looking at one another and so - I don't know.

We stood out from the rest as Singaporeans - obviously, because of the way we talk and, perhaps, because of our hair. We speak English most of the time, and the English they speak sounds weird to us. If you weren't a good imitator of the American accent but u tried speaking that way, you'd sound like them. They learn the American style of English there.

The mandarin they speak, the way i listened, starts and ends differently. Like how ours end with la and lor. We actually tried to teach our tour guide the Singaporean style...lol! Really amusing. Because she'd always remind us to be on time and not to be late for the bus, we taught her to say things like "Bu yao chi dao hor".

There were also other significant differences, but the one that i remember best is the "dui4 ya1". It sounds like "dwar-a" and its indispensible in every conversation. "I don't know" would translate into "Bu xiao3 de2" instead of "Bu zhi dao".

The food at Taiwan is incomparable. There's so many varieties of food and most of it just taste better to me and its hard to describe it. (writing like this will save me alot of trouble)

Taipei 101 was majestic, although from far it resembled like a Necropolis in some games i played. It stood out from the rest of the buildings and shopping malls around it. I tried to imagine how the construction workers and engineers actually built it - they probably had to assemble a team of workers not afraid of heights?

There were 100+ channels in the hotel room. There were movie channels...entertainment...religious...drama etc. Then, late at night, there'll be this channel that has scantily clad female dancers that kept touching themselves as they danced. I didn't watch because the dancers weren't good looking, but i have a feeling that the bunk mate of mine who kept insisting that it wasn't porn watched it the whole night.

R&R eventually ended, and we had lots of fun, and its hard to describe everything. =)

the pain never ended, though. memories of all the worthless, lazy and dumb trainees that caused us shit and dragged us down rooted deeply in my brain, although i know it brings me unnecessary frustration. we walked a lot. each time we walked, we'd walked very far and climb many hills. very very and many many. it lasted longer than R&R - it felt like it lasted forever then, although it doesn't now, because what's that's passed always feels like a flash.

22 oct 07

2007-10-22T00:27:00.000+08:00

Im going on a VACATION for a few weeks!...

'I'd be gone when you read this.' Sounds corny?
Its that same old feeling again. My heart feels heavy and clouded images of forests and tracks start flashing in my mind. There's an uncertainty that irks me. And its always a mental struggle to stay optimistic.

12 oct 07

2007-10-12T23:23:00.000+08:00

My 2 bed buddies and I died today.

We died under Block 53 in a built up area at 0640hrs.

We had walked about 10km to our FUP just outside our area of ops thanks to the front man of the point section who horland-ed(lost his way)...and waited in the vegetation for 3hrs until the H-hour. The planned route was 7km.

Me and my 2 bed buddies stacked up as Team 1 of our section, then thrown into the fray by our PC, outnumbered by enemies from all directions. We dashed across an open area and planted our backs on the wall once we hit Block 53. The bodies of our platoon mates were everywhere.

We slowly edged to a blind corner where i took a peek, before turning back to see an enemy with his rifle protruding from the 2nd storey. I fired 2 shots (blank rounds) and killed him. Just before i brought my team to storm the 1st room, the 3 of us were shot from behind. My buddy failed to cover our backs becos he kept looking in front to close up with us.

My company 2 I/C, who was the umpire, went into a rage.

"You 3 DIE! you fucker! where you looking YOU! You point yur rifle behind but you are NOT looking!"

That was the last day of my 4 day field camp - known as Grandslam II.

The 2nd and 3rd day were really physical and mental strenous...i salute those who breezed through grandslam II...cos towards the end i really zombified le.

2nd day afternoon it rained. i sat on the edge of the shellscrape i dug. rain really kills off our morale...and everyone had this frustration that it always and only rains while we go outfield, as though the heavens are making a fool out of us. in comparison, out of the 10+ SOC and 6 ippt i've taken in Sispec, only one SOC got cancelled due to rain.

After the rain stopped, my buddy and i still had a trench to dig. i slowly stood up, and could feel my cold socks squishing the water out of my insoles in my boots. my trousers were drenched, my limbs feeling numb. as i looked around, i felt as though i was watching a slow motion movie. or maybe i was watching Resident Evil? o.O

spent abt 14hrs digging total. we were given 20+hrs to complete.

3rd day afternoon, the rain came again. the F word sounded off throughout the knoll that we were defending... and this time it was heavier. i hid under a simple shelter than me and 3 other section mates made in anticipation of the rain. i was shivering like fark from the rain and the wind blowing it in from the sides.

Only the hope that i no matter what, i will eventually book out on friday, and the mutual support we had amongst my section kept me going. I think compared to Grandslam II, the 32km march we had last week was really...peanuts.

30 sept 07

2007-09-30T15:19:00.000+08:00

every week here can be very interesting...

Monday was Day 1 for the Sispec 45th BSLC trainees. I was frm the 44th. I would think of sispec like a value added factory - every few months, it produces batches and batches of specs... take a photo, and then it becomes some historic thing on the wall. then everyone moves on.

I rmb my first day there, i was constantly looking ard to familiarise with the new environment. the parade square looked magnificent...but now its not anymore cos it reminds me of the parade after the 28km march. that morning most of us can't even stand straight much less standing still. lol.

It rained just like 3mths ago. everyone says becos its a sad day. hm. i dunno abt them but my Day 1 was also full of anticipation despite the depressed feeling of coming back to army after 1+ week of block leave after BMT. i rmb i still missed my BMT bunk mates then. I looked at the ppl in ASLC just like how they looked at us now. the "what is going on" facial expression...

did quite a few outfields in midweek... and outfields really bring out the best and worst of people. most of us do know the drill... and have enthusiasm. we sometimes treat missions like games when its not too shag and doesn't involve live rounds.

the most garang thing i did was to dive and prone into wet soil behind cover of a tree after getting contacted. those kind of moves will definitely stop the instructors frm commenting abt us taking too long to prone down and not taking proper cover. turned out that i landed on a half rotten black and yellow jackfruit with lots of ants on it. i tink i rather get scolded nx time.

there'd always ppl who don't know a fark abt what to do, behaving weirdly and talking weird things. all it takes is one blur cock to fark it up and we'll have to re-do the drill...we simply term them as fuckers. its not like they are stupid or not fit. most of us are A lvl...

in fact im starting to believe that the number of normal people is shrinking... it doesn't take a lot out of someone to at least know whats going on and what to do next. im quite wary abt new ppl i meet now. many ppl are not as good as they seem during 'peacetime'.

I thought i wouldn't be so hot-tempered...but when such things start to affect our SLEEPING TIME and BOOK OUT TIMING (nothing matters more), everyone starts being very dismissive of the blur cocksters. especially so for my ppl like my buddy whos meeting his girlfriend for dinner after booking out. lol. you can't imagine how impatient he was...

fortunately, at least the regulars are promising leaders. my buddy is now one. he just signed on as a Guards spec recently for the money and for his future, becos his educational level is low compared to a typical 19 year old. Quite respectful huh. normal ppl wouldn't sign on as Guards. they would sign on as something less hectic like Signals. Guards is a vocation i'd describe simply... as a higher level infantry.

on most days we'd only come back camp in late afternoons or at night. then the new trainees, or in fact our juniors, would look at us from their bunks as we march in with our field packs and all, messy camo cream and sweat over our faces and muddy boots and uniforms. er...they stand too far to smell us though.

those were the days where i stood at my bunk and looked at my seniors too. and at that time everyone would say similiar things : "I hope i don't get posted to ASLC sia." but now that im in it already...its ok.

23 sept 07

2007-09-23T19:04:00.001+08:00

I really applaud my muslims mates who are still fasting despite having to go through the trainings just like we do... its surely not easy especially cos of the weather... cos fasting also include cannot drink water...

everyday they wake up earlier than us to eat breakfast...and lunch is of cos dun have...and they also usually take their dinner lata than us after the sun sets.

16 sept 07

2007-09-16T17:45:00.000+08:00

Every day feels like a new challenge... our OC make booking out seem like something we need to fight for rather than something that comes naturally...at least thats how i see it...-.-

Things like failing the 10km run... failing range... failing CSB navigation... he say he'd make us stay back on the weekend to retake.

I almost failed my day range...despite the fact that SAR21 comes with a scope. sometimes its quite hard for me to stabilise the crosshair on the target when adopting those unsupported positions. night range was surprisingly easier for me. maybe i was too concerned abt having to retake it if i missed too much during the day.

i was telling my bunk mates that its time SAF let us train with moving targets...becos in the whole of my NS life so far...i've only shot live rounds at immobile targets...and this will only make me a very effective soldier against enemies who are either stunned or paralysed...=.=

in fact i think overall training as a soldier could be better...i don't know at this rate, i still feel i know so little soldering and survival skills... i dun mind learning more...yeah...cancel more of the PT lessons, endurance runs...SOC...IPPT...wouldn't it be better? lol...

07 sept 07

2007-09-07T23:36:00.000+08:00

About time i've gotten over the low morale phase... im the mighty zw...nothing daunts me...not even ASLC...haha

complain abt aslc so much...i haven go and do the thing already lose 1/2...and even if lose...the only person i lose to is myself.

time to book in. heh.

05 sept 07

2007-09-05T20:28:00.000+08:00

its a bad idea to come back home from camp during nights off.

i was released at abt 5.30pm...and i only left camp at 6...

thanks to the NSF corporal who took a SAR21 out of camp...now go out got bag check...waste time -.-

reached home at 7pm...and soon have to go back le. need be back by 11pm.

i tink i'll probably take the next week to accept life in ASLC...cos i really feel horrible now...i got half a mind to AWOL(absense without official leave)... my mind full of thoughts of those who got posted out to slack for the rest of the NS life...those chao geng chao geng one also can escape ASLC...why why why

and its also in such that i discovered that im not a patriotic person at all...becos i cannot find meaning in what i do : learning to defend my country...sometimes i rather stay home and play dota instead...and pray for world peace...

then there's always the lengthy mrt ride where i try not to think so much abt it...who knows i might alight and take the opposite side to go home and AWOL? lol >.>

my bslc bunk mates probably wun expect such a pessimistic side of me...always being the one who tok the most cock and happy everyday de...maybe i just miss them heh.

brothers in arms!

30 aug 07

2007-08-30T10:32:00.000+08:00

I shall wrap up my BSLC life before i fall on my bed and wake up tml. Its 10:46am now. Abt 15 hrs ago, i was about to embark on the toughest journey of my life.

The motivation to complete the 28km route march is...to have yur PC put on the Ng diao (corporal rank) on us. its also called the graduation march. we were telling ourselves that when the sun rises, we'd all be corporals. it was 8pm. the most apt song we sang along the way was the "when darkness turns to light, it ENDS TONIGHT, IT ENDS TONIGHT!"

but it actually ended much earlier at 3+ am cos the pace was fast.

First 8km was still very much ok...but people started to fall out after that. i was the front scout for my company with my sect comdr and i saw quite a few Foxtrot trainees derailing from their company and then sent to the safety rover.

After 12km ppl already start to limp...and as for me, i had mysterious cuts on my sole. O.o

The next 8km i almost vomited cos i drank too much water. lol. i was telling my buddy "vomit then vomit lor...vomit also can walk wad" <-- act tough...LOL. he was having a bad muscle ache. I was pulling him by his uniform up those steep slopes and got to encourage him.

At some point in time when i felt the worst, i started to wonder what the fuck am i doing in this place...walking with so much load on my shoulders...*#@($&#@$&#)!

the stronger ones were the only ones left singing...the rest all walking like zombies...and our voices sounded so desperate. sounds quite scary at times. but it helps to take our mind off the distance and vent our frustrations anyway.

"Training to be Specialists,
Fight for our la-and,
Once in our lives,
Total waste of time!

Have you ever wonder-er?
Why must we ser-erve?
Why must we ser-erve?
Why must we ser-erve?

Why must we ser-erve?
Why must we ser-erve?
Why must we ser-erve?
Why must we ser-erve?

Why must we ser-erve?
Why must we ser-erve?
Why must we ser-erve?
Why must we ser-erve?

(about 1km later...)

Why must we ser-erve?
Why must we ser-erve?
Why must we ser-erve?
Why must we ser-erve?

Becos we have no choice,
And we lan lan have to serve,
have to serve, ya!

Looking all around us!
People everywhere-ere
Children having fun,
While we are holding gun,

have you ever wonder-er!
why must we serve...

...and we completed it anyway. not like i will fall out anyway...my ego too big to deal with the consequences of falling out...lol

Posting order -

ASLC. The first word that came to my mind when my PC read it out to me was the F word. At the moment in time i felt frustrated cos many ppl in my platoon posted to be medic...signallers...provost...RSAF!.. ...but to do admin work...those ppl can really enjoy the rest of their NS life.

While i will suffer another 3 mths in Sispec to go through even more tough times than what has BSLC given me. more SOC, more IPPT, 32km route march, outfields...

1 week ago i juz witnessed the ASLC ppl pass out as infantry specs...including sergeant Caleb!...it was amazing. suddenly like everyone want to go ASLC...except me.

my bunk mates were excited abt getting posted to ASLC. something must be wrong. i tink i just can't see past the suffering and all the physical challenges. haiz. WEAK!

26 aug 07

2007-08-26T11:48:00.000+08:00

Suddenly i found myself reading the 2nd last sheet of my company's weekly training programme. The first time i read it on the notice board, i couldn't bear to read past the 2nd week.

how time flies (again)...in another blink of an eye i'd have ORD-ed...

......

nvm.

09 aug 07

2007-08-08T21:34:00.001+08:00

had another ippt on tues -

took 9:36 for 2.4...and so finally getting IPPT gold... + temporary chest pains. how farking hard it was to push on... im glad its over.

28 july 07

2007-07-28T10:04:00.000+08:00

as we prepare ourselves for the next practice

as we put on our sbo

as we sling our rifle

it

will

rain

and so it rained everyday throughout my 2x field camp and 2 other exercises. initially, proning in the mud etc etc was very sick for some of us but when we worn out, we juz fall flat into it like nobody business...

You

must be quite bored of hearing bad things abt NS. surely there's good thing abt it, you may think. of course there is, and this will be the first after like 3 mths...lol

1. Getting to know people
NS is the fastest way to meet people. within 3 mths i've known more than 100 ppl, and its not just on the surface, esp our section mates. getting to see ppl of different characters - mostly good ppl. Alas, all of them are male.

2. Learning
Military things aside, everyday is a lesson on REAL team work, leadership, dealing with ppl. i feel that in the past all the grp work and team work is all tok cock de...cos i see for myself, when ppl are tired, they'll get frustrated and flare up at their own buddies...get extremely selfish - and then its up to the remaining sane ppl to work things out. team work is smth you can write "from this grp work, i learn about team work" 1000 times but never know how impt it is.

3. Conquering fears
Of heights and darkness.

4. Mental strength
I used to think i was mentally weak until my last ippt, where i ran until i felt a pressure weighing on the depth of my lungs when i inhale then i slowed down in case smth happens. i ran 10:19, unimpressive of course, but i ran 11:27 the last time, after putting on 10kg altogether since i started NS. my bunk mates mostly ran ard 9:20. the 2 most shiong activity doesn't include field camp...and in fact imo is SOC and IPPT. reason is its self-driven.

5. Appreciation of life
Life as a ordinary civilian is good enough. But ordinary ppl wun know how good enough is enough until they go through tough times. Just like how we used to say - when we are in our bunk, we miss our home. and when we are outfield, we miss our bunk.

6. Et cetera
And all the other good things will come under this category becos that's how people always end their sentences when they have lots to say but not enough time...i shud be elsewhere savouring every second of my part time civilian life.

14 july 07

2007-07-14T14:34:00.000+08:00

tired.

juz got a 1 x gilat gilat one from our PC for not doing our area cleaning well enough when we really can touch our heart and say that we really disciplined ourselves and did a gd job. we went up to our bunk afterwards and most cursed for the next 15min...juz can't get over it.

1 x field camp each week for the next 3 weeks.

UP LA!!

07 july 07

2007-07-07T13:01:00.003+08:00

book in, PT PT PT, drink, eat and sleep, area cleaning, lecture, hands on, admin time, weapons tests, knowledge tests, outfield, kena arrow for saikang, IPPT, SOC SOC SOC (3x SOC = 1x good one), tekan tekan tekan, stand-by area, book out.

another week crawls past

touch my heart and say...sispec not shiong...

touch my left elbow and...ouch

29 june 07

2007-06-29T23:49:00.000+08:00

booked out on friday at 2200...originally it was planned at 2230. if you ask me whether 30mins makes any difference...i'd tell you 30mins makes ALL the difference. if it was 2230, i'd reach home on saturday instead of friday...lol

if you din know, sispec is at boon lay...which is quite far from sengkang. hmm...yeah. quite...

and now im in J coy and last man in platoon 3. (sect 4 last bed)

there are some bad things abt being the last man...like when it come to queueing up in section bed lvl this kind of things...but dats ok.

abt the good things - today we had our VP which is part of the signals test...for eg. saying - Hullo this is Foxtrot two nina...etc etc etc, over.

i just sit at the back and listen to the ppl in frnt of me doing all the wrong things...and listen to the examiner chu all the pattern and stunt...

and after my turn the examiner told me - congrats you are one in two of the platoon to get full marks...and i replied : "i just learn from the ppl in front of me" and i smile back at him...LOL

ok that was the practical...when it comes to theory is cui...we are given this thick book to study in our free time at night. when i read the book it is meant to make me fall asleep easier, while i see my bunk mates who are acjc/hcjc/ajc...really can mug...i thought the mugging phase of my life pause for 2 years...but who knows?

in the end the theory test i score 26/50...my buddy score 48/50 -.-||...LOL godlike...

anyway my bunk mates suddenly wanted to share that they dun feel 'superior' or 'elite' to neighbourhood schools... which is quite assuring - but wadever the case im still a proud srjcian lol

this is one thing abt the dragon year competition which i thought i was done with... but even in the army - its quite evident...both at mugging and even ippt...for the 2.4km, i was actually one of the last...my silver is the 11min kind now...not the 9:46 that kind of silver...lol

why is that so impt...becos we're competiting for a gd life...if you do better in all aspects, you're in a better position to choose where you want to go...at least thats wad i heard. imagine speaking to a company of NSF privates and asking them who want to get posted to some chiongsua unit for the rest of the 1year plus...how many will raise their hand...? lol

but of cos sometimes its more than just striving to get a gd life and a good "pay" (allowance)... sometimes after those NE talk...i will feel abit motivated to be really ready and willing to sacrifice to defend this soil... see how effective it is...? but my Encik insist its not to brainwash us...

i foresee alot more to learn and to suffer...but im really lucky to get gd bunk mates again...and dats wad really keeps one going.

22/06/07

2007-06-22T11:37:00.000+08:00

posted to sispec...hmm...doesn't take 1 week for me to get adjusted to civilian life...and soon i need to adjust back to military life. i never reveille at 0530...never do 5BX...and my civilian lights out timing is in fact just a few hrs before reveille-

in front of me...i can already see 2 very painful route marches...the real SOC deal...etc etc. imagine getting posted to CMPB for admin duty or become a driver...could be a gd thing eh.

on some days im quite free. i really am. the video below is proof...i think i overdid the last part. nvm. figured how to use some programs to make it lol.

relinquishing the best times - last 1 min as a recruit. im somewhere in front.

14 june 07

2007-06-14T16:35:00.000+08:00

Suddenly, I POP-ed.

o.O

The parade felt like it was a 2mins event. It felt very short, partly becos i was tinking of something else during the speech and prize presentation. i thought i could probably stand there for 1/2 an hour more - AND that is thanks to our CSM who is also the parade RSM who samula about...

598472

times during our rehearsals. (which made the GP seem to last forever)

how we love our CSM :)

the night before, me and my platoon mates stayed up till 0000hrs to blanket party a certain person. tink got 20+ ppl. we had a plan, but without safety brief and evacuation route.

i tink some ppl really deserve to get it...but of cos the dislike of him didn't really trigger my aggresiveness so i was one of the spectators - while the others stormed into that guy's bunk, held him down on his bed, really whacked him and spammed Snake powder(prickly heat) and Colgate toothpaste on him. i heard someone grabbed his balls too.

of cos, we weren't the worse cos we overheard other platoon who used JIF. JIF is the brand for some washing detergent we use to clean toilet.

most ppl know that platoon mates share similar birthdates...and in fact the platoon section bed level sequence is according to the IC number...

...which made me tink that horoscopes and those character analysis by month of birth aren't accurate...becos while all but 2 of 50 of us are september born, we are very diverse.

some in the platoon are really good ppl. helping out, volunteering, joking around. some are extreme blur cocks. some are selfish, some are sissy(till the point of severe irritation), some are hypocrites, and some always like to say that they must to go OCS(and fail their ippt afterwards). some are horny and some are gay :O

now i so free also dunno wad to do sia. how how how...if only can go back bunk and slack...5BX breakfast lunch dinner OTOT i dun mind lol. need to find thing to do le.

07 jun 07

2007-06-07T21:42:00.000+08:00

6th bookout

this is the last bookout

today is also the day Apache has a new intake...its Day 1 for new Apache recruits...and it truly felt like it too. i still remember my own Day 1 - from waking up to taking the ferry, taking the oath, parting with our parents, shaving our head, meeting new people...

we cleaned up the apache bunk at Ladang so nicely for the new recruits... lets hope they appreciate it. i thought it was quite perfect...everytime need to wayang cos we're 'A' Coy, 1st platoon - the show bunk platoon. and everytime there's visitors, we suffer in silence...

i tink civilian is the highest rank. we aren't even required to wayang so much in front of our CO =). but im still so far away from being a civilian.

6 more days to pop

time flies but when i look back we've done so much like we've spent a long time in Tekong.

小情歌 by sodagreen is one of the most common songs that i heard over the radio at night in tekong.

02 june 07

2007-06-02T02:00:00.000+08:00

i went out for a buffet today...(wow finally zw blogs abt something not related to NS)

...with my platoon mates, sect coms and our PC at Sakura!

it really felt weird calling our commanders by their name. but we ended up enjoying it. lol.

its meant to thank sgt din and cpl faizan for their leadership and all that we've learnt from them cos their leaving us. (and not forgetting stuff they did to help us to keep fit...!)

negative example of buddies

with my buddy

surprise, wj! yur clsmate is my bunk mate! woohoo! (nvm you already knew -.-)

section 2!

this pic is..farked up. next.

sgt wang sits down to mask the obvious height difference

section 2 with sgt Din

section 2 with 2nd Left Mirza

"Don't steal my watch!" - Cpl Faizan's baby

"Get these freaks off me!"

"Thanks for the treat...although we shud be the ones paying for it"

"CHEERS!"

$$$$$$$$$$$

4 digit receipt

our favourite sgt Adam with his hoon kee...lol

30 may 07

2007-05-30T20:18:00.000+08:00

5th bookout

so fast bookout again - and for a long weekend

did alot of stupid things like the BAC...

our sgts insist that BMT's SOC is nothing...and so it was -(2:56)

IPPT - its juz abt a silver runner trying to get gold (9:45). i din get it - i was just abt 30s away from getting an extra day off. (who cares abt the gold?) too fat can't run.

i tried my best anyway. yeah. i think i did. hmm.

one day off for silver. WUHA!

BMT coming to an end - we sorta completed almost every major event/course in 7 weeks. we even moved to another camp that feels haunted. reason is becos the dragon year intake too high.

these 7 wks, there are days when we had negative admin(free) time.

eg. at 2245, while we having detailing and RO -

"Lights out timing for tonight:"

"2230."

"wtf?"

"SIR we haven't bathe leh!"

i sleep by the window in the renovating Rocky Hill Camp, rumoured to be haunted. everyone agrees it doesn't feel as clean as Ladang Camp. hopefully i don't wake up in the middle of the night and see someone crawling in from the window.

yeah...hopefully.

26 may 07

2007-05-27T00:58:00.000+08:00

4th book out

put on 7kg over the past 6 wks

somehow...somehow...so fat now but my level of fitness is still quite ok. WUHA!

19 may 07

2007-05-19T13:42:00.000+08:00

3rd book out

time flies - less than half a mth left of BMT

really enjoying my time in BMT with my bunk mates and platoon mates

had my SIT test last weekend

didn't expect to befriend ppl so easily cos im one of the quieter ones

really really really enjoying imitating my platoon sergeant with my bunk mates...its the best instant entertainment that can be used in every occasion...LOL

never mind, never mind - take yur time, take yur time, wooowoo! take yur time woo!! good job good job! ok whole lot knock it down!

11/12 may 07

2007-05-12T16:00:00.000+08:00

booking in

----------------------------------------

11 May

2nd book out

last weekend i was in field camp

few hours ago i threw a live grenade

some things have to be done alot of times until you can 'see past' it. like getting played around by our pl sgt. in our own free time we love to imitate him with his same old lines and tone.

'FUCK you UNDERSTAND! you all are not recruits! you all are fucking jibai faggots! nabei jibai...'

28 apr 07

2007-04-28T23:15:00.000+08:00

Apache 1st platoon.

i find foot drills very satisfying. i enjoy rifle drills. i have very gd bunk mates and buddies. Nerds deserve blanket parties. field camp nx wk. mentally adjusted. physically adjusting. gained weight.

28 apr 07

2007-04-28T09:24:00.000+08:00

1st book out!

11 apr 07

2007-04-11T21:12:00.000+08:00

I have a feeling that i'll be ok.

8th april 07

2007-04-08T15:38:00.000+08:00

i want to work. i regret leaving the job so early...im just wasted my freedom away...for nothing. i could have exchanged it for more experiences, knowledge, more company, satisfaction. save for the money part.

most of these days i just stay alone at home playing, watching tv. of cos i could cycle ard a few more times but i can't do that all day.

most male frens i know are already in...and then some of those who haven't have their own...partners. female ones.

What did i do in Ipoh? nothing much really.

on the coach, i filled my mind with economics to make me less bored. =/

on the way, i saw alot of advertisements on the highway. i tink if roads are privatised, there'll be more ads. then i started to imagine our roads and expressways with big boards at the sides. probably, road markings and arrows on the ground would show some credit card or soft drink ad.

associated thoughts are why roads are not privatised, which then i'll recall some vague arguments here and there. then 10 kilometres will past, with 500km more to Ipoh.

if you been to KL/Ipoh/Penang/Genting or which city north of Johore, the coach taking the highway is likely to stop at Lucky Garden. there i bought a box of bubble gum, and the cashier added in two 'sticks' of Polo into the plastic bag. i never knew why at first.

until donkey hours later on the coach, i found out - on the flip side of the bubble gum box, it reads

2 POLO FOR EVERY OUTER (60's)
2 POLO PERCUMA BAGI SETIAP KOTAK

i tink the person who had this idea had succeded if he wanted to give the buyers a surprise...but i tink his real intention is to make consumers choose his brand of bubble gum over the others.

i dun tink consumers will look at the bottom of the box unless people start comparing the nutritional value of different brands of bubble gum...ineffective marketing?

i guess i was real bored.

property in Ipoh is cheap. a newly renovated extended semi-detached only costs RM 200K. not enough to buy a 3 room flat here. it led me to think if its possible for the std of living to rise without inflating prices. fortunately i fell asleep on that one.

paying respects to my late paternal grandfather with my relatives seemed like a male affair. only the males went except for my da4 ber4's wife. my father has 2 brothers and 2 sisters, and is the 2nd child. his brothers has all their sons named Zheng smth.

Zheng Qun, Zheng Kai, Zheng Tong...and 2 more.

i have 8 paternal cousins. say - if each of them marry and have 2 children, that's 32 people. when im old, their children will marry and maybe have 2 children. then that's 80 people. (by typing like this it may seem that i took seconds to calculate that. actually i spent 5mins...)

sigh. even remembering 5 names is hard.

i have 10 maternal cousins...

i went to cameroon highlands for a one day tour thingy. bought tickets on the spot.they really don't need to install air-con there. outside's cooler than in the bus. the view is really nice. went to a buddist temple, a rose farm, a strawberry farm, a butterfly farm, a tea plantation. its not really natural cos i feel that the place is too commercialised for tourism.

other than that i felt i wasted a lot of time travelling. it feels like a...deadwt loss? (irrecoverable) but the bus drove very quickly too. i took several 'tests' to confirm that the bus was travelling at 120km/h on the highway. on the taxi in Singapore, 80km/h on the TPE felt...very slow.

i returned on the evening of the 2nd (monday) and went to CH hse to play overnight with xm and ci. played mahjong too. that was great. other than that, (and a little smth else) i had been wasting my time.

i have nothing to look forward to for the next few days. and years. unlike at work where i could set new records and...act arrogant. for eg, "omg we did so xxx much again today...i bet jenn is going to cry when we leave! oh no!"

and my favourite : "im leaving soon and jenn got 2 people to replace me. that's obviously not enough! i tink she'll need five."

lol...those where the days! and i can sharpen my acting skills also. good acting really makes the difference. work can be boring at times, forcing us to lighten up and start crapping. i tink im best at those really dumb humor.

"i tink i better dun do so fast."

"why?"

"its ok for me cos im leaving but - what if jenn sacks you when there's nth left to do?"

(acts concerned) "(*gasp)...omg...why not u go slack then?"

(acts serious) "NO...i will not slack. you're doomed."

lol

i tink i can spend the rest of my days relinquishing the best times i had while working. and there's one more special reason why too. but that's a longer story.

xm and weijing misses work, and im sure CH does too, albeit its less(i think). that's ok...we'll do it tgt again after we ORD.

30 mar 07

2007-03-31T00:45:00.000+08:00

by the time you read this, i'd be in Ipoh.

feels so weird typing that when im still physically in singapore right now in front of my computer...O.o

me and xm's last day of work...with mixed feelings of cos.

more gifts of Dove chocolate, curry puffs and Polar sugared swiss rolls from colleagues and hsbc staff...

more well-wishes - "all the best!" "keep FIT ah!"...

more goodbyes.

Jenn said she bought a T-shirt for both me and XM over the phone. we were assessing how thoughtful jenn might be becos she's very busy and thus giving us an impression that she's abit unfeeling lol. but actually not if you know her well enough

we were wondering...

"would she just send a dispatch down to give us the T-shirt?"...lol

but in the end she came. :o surprised. "not bad leh!"

she hurriedly left minutes later after giving me a pat on the back and wishing me all the best.

then me and xm went to see what T-shirt she bought for us. we were saying, she might juz sui bian buy some T-shirt for us...hahah

"Maybe its a KODAK T-SHIRT...omg"

":O"

i opened the first bag, and took it out for all to see. wow. really nice design.

"hmm...maybe we're wrong about Jenn..."

"see the 2nd one?"

then i opened the 2nd bag, and took it out. it was the exact same shirt.

"thoughtful sia!"

LOL

anyway...i dun mind la. juz say for the fun of it. =X

it was a black/orange OP T-shirt.

at the end of it all, one thing really gd about this job is that - our productivity is really measurable, as compared to, say, manning a customer service hotline. as such gives us some satisfaction, that we can say, hey, we've done so much - we're proud of ourselves.

processed 96 mode 1 and 88 mode 2 (dayforward) batches

776 boxes scanned (if you've seen that collapsing boxes vid, those are the boxes)

713 boxes indexed

750 boxes sealed

379 boxes Q/A-ed and rectified

897960 images scanned

anyway during lunch at centrept mac today with xm chris vivien and shawn, xm told us more about Chong Jhee, all of which i didn't knew.

xm said, "I asked Chong Jhee - have you ever thought of getting married soon?"

"then CJ replied - yeah, kan4 dao4 vivien jiu4 hui4 lor"

in unison : "OMG"

(in fact previously i have told vivien that CJ might be interested in her. cos he keep asks about her...)

(btw Chong Jhee is in his mid thirties)

vivien : "oh no! yi hou lunchtime ta jiao wo qu chi fan zen me ban?!"

"shud i tell him, i'm going lunch with my future husband?"

o.O lol...

me : "NO...later he stalk you two and harm yur bf how?"

"why not you tell CJ you'll be meeting yur GIRLFRIEND?"

LOLL

then we all tried to imitate CJ's shocked facial expression that's really spastic and really retarded...LOL

anyway shawn was able to join cos he juz nice finished his interview at SMU for his application to study Economics.

anyone applying for that and have a group interview?

Shawn said the professors asked questions like "what would you suggest to save the US economy?"

and he was too nervous so he gave quite crappy answers...and he thought the professors would juz nod(fu yan) or shake their head...but instead, they refuted his points and told him that he's wrong.

omg. fierce.

of cos he did try to argue his point back (maybe that's what the professors looking for) but ultimately he know he has 'lost'. but trying to 'win' is quite pointless isn't it.

oh and did i mention Shawn and I have some sorta telepathy - on some days at work we'd wear similar shirts or T-shirts...and on the wednesday 2 days ago -

Vivien said that at the end of her scholarship interview they were given a question to write about. the question was same for all - "What do you think is the world's greatest invention?"

then she asked me(before shawn came).

the first answer that came to my mind was the Pen.

"i'd write something like : If there's no Pen, i wouldn't be able to answer to this question."...heh

but that was for fun of cos. after further thought, i said its the Engine.

Vivien wrote the light bulb.

when shawn came to visit, vivien asked the same question. Shawn said pen. omg! our jaws dropped in disbelief. before viven and xm could say "ZW said the same thing!", i asked shawn, "why?"

"becos if no pen then cannot answer the question what"

LOL...ding ding ding...bingo!

"OMG! I SAID THE SAME THING!"

---------------

well...i'll be back.

29 mar 07

2007-03-29T22:39:00.000+08:00

F O U R...

no im not counting down the number of days i have left at work. in fact its one actually. tml's my last day.

we survived with 4 ppl for the first half of the day, as vivien went for an interview for her scholarship.

some parts of the day i was listening to the radio and the DJs will crack some dumb jokes, leaving me smiling to myself. i immediately took the smiling off, knowing that, perhaps, shud a hsbc staff look, she'd tink that this worker - frantically working while smiling to himself - is either under immense stress or is insane. O.o

oh and if you read my last entry, i got the figures for our backlog processing wrongly. in fact there's only about 950 backlog boxes scheduled to be done by end june. to be precise - we've completed 78.9% of the backlog in less than 40% of the time given.

Shawn came to visit us today. in fact i read CH's entry - he shud have visited us. makes it a mini gathering...=/

Jenn told XM to write down some impt things needed to handover to the new leader. he started with writing down the current abilities of the staff that's staying. it read something like this :

Christopher - Everything except for rectification and dayforward.

Vivien - Everything except for rectification and retrival.

Shu Juan - Nothing but backlog and dayforward file preparation.

,,,

,,,

upon reading it, SJ complained...

"Why mine start with NOTHING? wa lao..."

XM : "cos u really know nothing! LOL" (SJ is considered one of the newer ones)

Me : "fine...actually can make it sound nicer if you want. we'll start the sentence with something positive...like GOOD?"

*everyone listens

"Good at backlog and dayforward doc prep but otherwise USELESS"

LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

-------------------------------------

the final day of work...

28 mar 07

2007-03-28T22:46:00.000+08:00

Rachel's absent, so only 5 were present for work today.

had to work fast during the morning which really wore us out. we went to a coffee stall at cuppage plaza and i simply slept on the table while waiting for my hor fun to be served.

i never knew that the day was actually getting better.

after lunch, it rained heavily. we were stuck near centrepoint, and sat ard at starbucks while waiting for our rescue team to arrive with umbrellas. i fell asleep the moment i sat down lol. the best thing is, we were actually still being paid by the hour, felt so great and really beats sleeping in lectures. by i know the work is piling up in the office; tried not to tink about that.

we returned, and saw a medium size sponge cake from bengawan solo and a small box of guylian chocolates on the table! was a gift from dawn and her dept. LOL! i was telling my colleagues that CH will really regret quitting...hahahh!

hours later, meng har came with a bag of sweets for us! lol woot? it was really a lot. about a fairprice plastic bag sized half-filled with sweets. together with that came 4 boxes of mentos chewing gum too.

MH : "sweets for you all! remember to share ok?"

"O.o" <--stunned

"got illegal ones somemore!"

Chong Jhee...did not screw up today. in fact over lunch we were trying to know more about his life. he claimed that he feels fortunate and satisfied with his current life, and if he means it i feel happy for him. im quite certain most of us don't have that kind of feeling - so Chong Jhee, "gd for you."

if im not going into NS i'll surely be scheduled for obesity or diabetes. besides all that i've mentioned, jolene also treats us puffs and cakes and jenn actually called pizza hut delivery for us before also. plus all the sweets we share amongst overselves too. i spent about $2 on avg a day on sweets, and on most days, drink coffee that's never 2 sachets of sugar short.

at 7pm Dawn came to us to praise us directly. first time!

first was on how we still manage to cope with the load despite having only 5 people. (we now have a max capacity of 15.) i tink...well. alright.

2nd was on how we...how amazing fast we are. i tink the whole of the team including those who have left deserve to know that - the total backlog data archiving was scheduled to be completed by end june. my jaw dropped 1 metre onto the ground upon hearing that.

LIES! i heard from jenn that we were supposed to finish everything by end march. we've completed like 750 boxes and for the new backlog, there's 950+ boxes, with a few hundred of TRD only. in short, we've completed more than two-thirds of it in less than 40% of the time given.

weeks ago we probably had one of the most powerful teams when most ppl were still around. youngsters really have the drive and morale. i know its abit not-right to put it this way, but if working adults take on this job, they most likely have very low qualifications and are quite slow. the smart ones, the uni grads will be somewhere else - definitely not operating a scanning machine.

which explains...the gifts. but perhaps its just goodwill. no matter what, i really appreciate them. i just feel very happy to see sweets ard, esp if i din buy them myself.

(did i mention, i had a childhood dream of having a wardrobe filled with sweets...?)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

late afternoon, somehow - we started talking about things related to econs. which really helped. becos 5 ppl - it was far too quiet. even i had to initiate conversations sometimes - something i rarely do lol.

but econs lit me up. my colleagues were interested and discussed some stuff also. unexpectedly, chris had his opinions too.

say, i started mentioning that, well, ideally, all of us shud allow ourselves to receive a humble salary and be exploited. (ceteris paribus,) it will do gd to the singapore economy.

alright after thinking abt it again, i may have confused myself. i shudn't have started to think abt this - once i start i can't make myself 'give up'...=.=

were we taught something about a conflict between personal monetary gains and the economy on the whole? its quite apparent - doesn't need econs to uds.

27 mar 07

2007-03-27T22:40:00.000+08:00

SIX...is the number of ppl who slogged it out today. XM partially retires from his duties as leader and delegates them to Rachel.

of course, he wanted to accomplish something. he wanted to break my records.

"tomorrow is the day that i'll set a new record!"

however, chances are slim. he tried scanning quickly today, and only managed 8k odd images, just abit short of my record 22k.

"Little bit more, XM" i said when we looked at the report. LOL

however he claimed he spent some time teaching rachel this and that. so he's not that way off.

today saw another round of dispute between Lee Lin and Chong Jhee. i wouldn't eavesdrop on purpose, so i don't know - but its so common that i could guess its about the programming again. although i don't think he has an average IQ (it could be quite high,) his EQ is really lacking. his 'er's and 'ah's make him sound more unsure then he already is.

i tink - if you're not sure what the other party is talking about, just ask! or try to repeat what the other party has said in a definitive tone. dun er here and ah there. really cmi.

i bought more than an hour's pay worth of confectionary after lunch. i especially like this japanese import fruit choco gummy thingy that comes in cylinders. me and vivien agreed that when we eat it, we feel happier from the work. thus we call it "kuai le yi zheng tian!" lol.

anyway CH will cry when he sees this! (alright over-exaggerated.) Yvonne treated me and vivien curry puffs for our effort we put in for the NB dept. i believe that's a good sign and a confirmation of our quality too. the curry puff tasted like nothing on earth - the best curry puff i've ever ate.

(fine! i lied in the last part on how nice it tasted =X...i'd bet nothing will make u jealous unless she gives us monetary rewards LOL...anyway thx for leaving our 'NB team', we got an extra curry puff (meant for you) to share lol)

never look down on our primary school teachings about the look right look left look right thing - saved me alot of blood, money, etc etc...

after work, i was reading the newspaper while tracing the steps of xm and chris. it was a red man at the traffic light. xm and chris briskly walked across upon seeing a black sports car turning in from orchard road. i almost stepped onto the road, but quickly took a step back as the sports car accelerated and zoomed past, its engine roaring juz metres away. lucky i took a look.

a split second after the roar of the engine, xm turned around with a shocked expression but saw me still far behind.

"if you really crossed..."

"the car would have got hurt. alright."

quite an okay day today. hopefully jenn gets some newcomers tml - please, so at least i could steal some time off to slack.